Temptation|| ✔️

Chapter Thirty Eight

The car ride was long, and quiet. Nate, and Kol didn't speak the entire way back to his house, and throughout the drive all I did was worry about what could happen once we step inside. I look at Kol, signaling him with my eyes to get out of the car, giving me a moment to cool Nathaniel down, who was probably still at boiling point. He quickly gets out, and I turn my head towards Nate, while letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding.
 
  I decide not to push him into talking, considering his state and not wanting to cause an argument. I grab his hand, rubbing my thumb along the back of his hand. "If you want to talk about it-" he quickly turns his head towards me, cutting me off. "I don't." I part my lips, but I can't find the words, so I nod in response.

   No. No I'm not gonna sit on the sidelines and just watch this continue. Kol May have screwed up but in my opinion, that's all younger siblings. We annoy the shit out of our brothers and sisters mostly because we crave the attention of them. After all, it's all I did to my brothers. "Nate. Listen. I get that you hate Kol and all but, you need to understand. He's your little brother, and all he wants is for you to just be there. What he said was wrong but, he just wants you to be there for him."

He shoots a glare at me, follow a laugh. "You think I care about that? Kol and I have never gotten along, and trust me I won't make today the first time we try to build a relationship. I could care less about that little shit, and it's none of your business to make sure that I do. So fuck off Leah."

I look at him with disgust, and I shake my head wondering how someone could have fallen so far. "You wanna know something? I thought you could do right by him, at least give him a chance for the shit he puts up with. Especially when it comes to you. He's fifteen, and at some point he's going to need you, and you can't seem to understand that!" I say, raising my voice. "If you can't be there for you, and at least pretend to be a brother, what are the odds that you can't actually be there in a relationship in general?" He looks at me, but remains silent. I nod and begin to stare dead into his eyes.

"This was a mistake. All of this." I begin to open the car door making my way out, but Nathaniel grabs my arm, forcing me to look at him. "Let me go." I say with a stern demanding voice. "Look I'm sorry okay? You have no idea what we've been through, what I've been through. Building a relationship with my family has always been difficult for me. They've always judged me, and were never there for me when I really needed them. Even through rehab, they weren't there. So why should I give any of them a chance when they never gave me one?" A single tear falls from his eyes, immediately pulling me in. I close the door, and turn towards him looking down.

"I'm sorry." I say playing with my fingers, avoiding eye contact. Before he continues I put my finger up pausing him. "I know how it feels to want acceptance, and support from your family. It sucks because in some way you get this feeling of desperation, and you hate it. So I won't force you to build a relationship with him, but I just want you to try." I look up at him hoping he could at least put in some type of effort. He sighs and rubs his temples.

"Why? Why do you care so much about our relationship?" Why do you keep trying to fix something that's already broken?" I can feel the pain in his voice, even though he's trying so desperately to hide it. When he refers to something that's broken, does he mean his relationship with his family..or himself?

I place my palm on his cheek and lean on. "You're not broken, Nate. You just never had the right people to show you that you were worth fighting for." He shakes his head and grabs my hand from his face, and looks at me. "I'm beyond repair. I can't be fixed Leah. I'm a mess." I chuckle sadly at his words, looking away from him slowly.

"I think we're both a mess." He grabs my chin and slowly motions it forcing me to look at him, and in this sad moment, he kisses me. Our lips move together in coordination, and I slowly push against him. Our tongues move together, and I can taste the tears falling from my eyes. I slowly pull away, placing my hands on his chest, looking down at them. He caresses my cheek with his hand, and I look up towards him.

"Leah Banks. You make me want to be better." I shake my head at his words. "I'm not okay with that. I want you to be better for yourself. Not because I want you to." I say confidently. He sighs. "You want to know something?" He says quietly. I nod slowly, not sure what to expect.

"I'm in love with a woman I can never have. The point is, I'm in love with her and it's driving me crazy. I have to stay together to protect her, and she wants me to be a better man, which means I can't be how I am." As he pours his heart out to me, I furrow my eyebrows in confusion. Is he talking about me, or someone else? He looks at me, grabbing both of my hands.

"But also..I'm scared that if I let myself be happy for even one moment, that the world's just going to come crashing down, and I don't know if I can survive that." A tear falls down his face and I take my thumb wiping it away. "Hey." I say turning his face in my direction.

"I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere. Just stop pushing all of the good things in your life away." I say still holding his face.

He shakes his head. "You may be here right now, but not for long." He grabs my hands placing them into my lap. I furrow my eyebrows looking at him. "What are you talking about?" I say quietly.

He sighs. "Christian. Leah listen, I know you want to be here for me, but let's face it you're going to work things out with him eventually, and then you'll leave. That's why..I have to love you enough to let you go." Are these words really coming out of his mouth? The most selfish person I know, trying to not be selfish.

I quickly shake my head. "No, you don't get to decide what's best for me!"

He grabs my face and looks at me. "Be honest. Do you still have feelings for Christian?" I look at him with sadness in my eyes, and remains silent. He lowers his head and laughs sadly. "I'll pay for your hotel room." He hurries out the car and I grab ahold of my stomach, feeling like I was hit with a truck. The tears force themselves out of my eyes, and I silently cry holding my stomach. Losing Christian was one thing, but losing him..it's some bizarre feeling I can't shake. I can't. I can't lose two people in the same week.
 
I love both of them. I didn't think I knew what love was until I met all of the people I'm close with today. But I know for a fact, if I choose one, I lose the other. But I've been in this position before, but it wasn't relationship wise. Kai, and Landon. Talking about them is incredibly heartbreaking. I put them through hell and I wish I didn't. But a wise person once told me that, it's okay to love them both. If they really care, they won't make me choose, and I won't.