Psychogenic ▸▸ Kellic

✝Eight✝

"I shot myself."

"W-Why? I asked him, looking at him in a whole new perspective.

"The biggest pain anyone could feel was losing someone to their own mind. I wanted that." His voice went raspy. "My biggest fear was losing someone I loved, but it changed into a new thing. My fears were no longer anyone else. My fears were myself." I shook my head.

"I don't understand..." I trailed off, watching him intently. His eyes beamed.

"My mom always tried to keep me on the medication, but I felt abnormal on them. I wasn't myself. I like being sick." He propped himself forward slightly, his eyes piercing mine.

"Medication? Were you like depressed?"

"Am, not was." He moved his wheelchair around me. "I shot myself in the leg to test out the gun honestly. In fact that part was an accident. I was planning to shoot myself in the head. Easy death. But then I went into shock when the bullet hit my nerves. My parents sent me here due to my disorder."

"I'm..." There were no words I could form. "I'm sorry." Was all I slipped out. He smiled.

"Don't be." I quirked my eyebrows. "I wanted to die."

✝

"Vic you wouldn't believe what I just-" I began, but soon figured out Vic was not alone in the cell. There stood Sister Margaret. "O-oh, sorry should I l-leave?" I asked quickly. 

No one said anything. She just walked out of the cell. Vic stared at the floor.

"Are you okay?' I asked him, sitting down next to him. He did nothing. "Answer me." I placed a hand on his back, so he moved away. "Vic?" His eyes traveled up the wall into a corner, and that's where he stared for a few minutes. I didn't see anything.

"They think we're too close." He said after the silence.

"W-What?" I questioned. Quickly, he stood up and laid down, covering his mouth with a pillow.

"Go sit on your bed and pretend to be asleep, then cover your mouth." I opened my mouth to speak. "Just do it." I finally nodded and obliged.

"Okay, now what?"

"They think we're too close. There is a camera in this room, but they can't hear us. If they see us close a lot and talking personally in the cell, they'll separate us." 

"Really? W-Why does it matter to them?"

"They found out I'm gay. She said it's a sin and I will be punished."

"Wait, you're gay?" My mind raced.

"Yeah, but that doesn't matter. I just don't want either of us to get hurt."

"Me neither, I guess we'll just have to-"

"I have it planned out." He interrupted. "We can talk in here occasionally, and secretly in the free room and-"

"Vic." I stopped him, taking in a puff of the air. "I don't want you to risk it."

I turned my head away from him and thought over what I wanted to say. I didn't want him to risk his safety just to talk to me. I was probably the last person he needed right now. 

"I don't want to be here without you." I heard him say softly.

"I don't want to either."

✝

        10-19

Vic and I didn't speak at all today. We saw each other, but never exchanged words. I ended up hanging out with Andy, while he went with Philomena. 

"What's wrong?" Andy asked when I continuously glanced back to Vic.

"Nothing, just. Vic." His eyes moved passed mine as he looked over to Vic. He wasn't paying attention to us though.

"Is he being a douche?" I rolled my eyes.

"No, Sister Margaret said we were too close or something and if we hang out, she'll separate us."

"Ohh." He winked. "Someones gotta crush."

"No I don't." I snapped. He raised his hands in defense.

"It just seems like a small ordeal, unless you liked him that is."

"Friends can worry about being separated too."

"You met on that bus right?" I nodded. "Then he isn't one of your true friends."

"We share-"

"A cell, I know. It doesn't matter. The only good thing is that he cares too." He nodded his head towards Vic's direction again. I looked to see Vic looking at us before turning away. I smiled.

Andy left me there by myself when one Sister I didn't recognize told him he had to take his medicine. With a wave, he was off. I looked at Vic again, but this time he wasn't looking back.

Did I really have a crush on him? It doesn't surprise me honestly. What gay guy wouldn't be all over him? And even though we haven't known each other for very long, time doesn't slow down. I've experienced more difficult things with him more than anyone else.

He was special.

So no wonder this was being taken so seriously. What was the cost of staying with him? Would we be caned again?

No stupid, they'd take him away from me. I wouldn't get the opportunity to look at him every day, even if we can't communicate.  Maybe I would, but not how I'd like to.

"I've got a message for you." Someone spoke from behind me. My state of mind snapped, and I freaked, jumping from my seat. It was Philomena, and in her hand was a piece of paper. My mind rushed.

I glanced around the room to find that all the guards weren't paying much attention to me right now.

"Who's it from?" I asked when she stretched out her arm.

"You know who." And that's all she said before disappearing again.

I unfolded the paper and read the poorly scribbled words.

It's hard to be away from you.

✝

And he's damn right. This day has been hell not being able to socialize with Vic. I can't believe it's only been the first day of the many more to come. It's even harder when he's right there with you, like right now.

Our cell has been deadly silent all night, and every time I tell myself that I'll say something, I just can't manage to choke it out. I'm scared of what will happen.

He said that our conversations will have to be limited, but not that we can't talk at all. Really what's the limitation?

Fuck it.

"Vic?" I asked meekly, catching my breath. Nothing happened, except for him turning over in his bed.

"W-What?" I heard him reply.

"I just wanted to say hi." There was a strand of silence.

"Hi." He finally said, his voice more raspy than usual. It wasn't unusual, but it wasn't normal at the same time. It made everything feel so much, well, different. Everything felt different. I felt different.

Just one word for him had my heart racing. Why?

"Goodnight." He concluded shortly after, bringing me back into reality.

Part of me wanted to say goodnight back, but then I felt like the moments in front of me weren't going to be special anymore if I spoke.

So I didn't say anything.

I just smiled and closed my eyes, reminiscing on what was in front of me.