Psychogenic ▸▸ Kellic

✝Thirteen✝

        10-25

They led us to our cells as usual. But when I got inside, I didn't lay down and sleep. I hid behind a pillow and pulled out the Christmas bow Vic had made for me. Slowly, my fingers traced the paper's outline and sharp points. If only they were dangerous.

With a sly smile, I slipped between the bed and wall on the part of the bed sticking out. That way it wouldn't be crushed in my pocket over the night.

"Tomorrow's cleaning day." I heard Vic mumble, so I turned towards him, covering my mouth with a pillow just in case.

"Really?" He nodded. "Well at least we'll be clean again." Once again he nodded.

"I don't wanna sleep." He whined. I rolled my eyes.

"Sleep, I'll see you in the morning." And that concluded our conversation for the rest of the night.

He slept while I thought about what's going on in the real world. Maybe there was a huge crime going on, or maybe everything was exactly the same. Possibly there was a search for all of us, or possibly nobody cared. I sighed. I thought about my life in here.

Trust me, things could be worse, but not much worse. This was close to hell, though they'd argue. "This is the house of God." They'll say if you complain. But this isn't the house of God, that's church of course.

I never went to church. My aunt took me when I was little, but then after that I never returned. Of course around the time I was fifteen I decided I was gay and no longer believed in any religion. But part of me wants to believe.

It's hard to believe that nothing happens after this. Sometimes it makes me feel worthless. I come here into this world and when I die, that's it. Nothing.

But another part says that maybe nothing is a good thing. Because if I believe is heaven, then I've got to believe in hell as well. And I know that's where I'll go if any of these places even exist. I don't know anymore.

I thought about Vic again. I thought about how he made me the bow and complimented me today. I thought about how he said he had a crush on me, and I had a nostalgic moment thinking about that moment in time. Sure, it wasn't long ago, but I wanted to go back.

I wanted that moment to play on repeat until everything was okay again. I wanted to relive every moment with Vic, through thick and thin. 

Who knows how much longer I can hold up in here. I feel sick all of the time, I'm always tired.

I'm tired of everything to be honest. And sometimes I just want to die, period. 

But hey, maybe that wish will be granted.

✝

        10-26

"C'mon boys." The guard instructed slightly more personable than he usually would. Maybe our resistance really did have an impact on them. Vic and I followed him down the hallway, and I noticed we steered off towards an unfamiliar hall. It was much darker and gloomier than the rest of the asylum.

But then I knew where we were going. My face heated up from anxiety and the rooms temperature. I heard water. My eyes met Vic's before the guard opened the door. It was empty except for a few tubs adjacent to one another. 

"I'll leave you be." He dismissed, walking out of the room and locking the door. My cheeks heated up.

"O-Oh um...okay." Vic stuttered for once. "How should w-we do this?"

"You could go first." I suggested sheepishly. He nodded. "I'll...look away." I said meekly, squeezing my eyes shut and pressing my face against the wall. I waited patiently until I heard water sloshing.

"Okay I'm closing my eyes." He stated, so I turned and tried my best to avoid looking out of him from pure instinct. Quickly, I undressed and slid down into the warm water. I also pulled a blanket over my lower half. My cheeks were still burning red.

"O-Okay." I finally said, afraid of what happened next. I wanted to look over to Vic, but then I didn't of course. It'd just make everything more awkward.

But out of my peripheral vision I saw him look at me. 

"Smart." Was all he said before I heard him pick up the towel from the rack. And when I looked over, he was covered fortunately. I tried my best to smile. 

"So I guess this is the one place we can be along." He stated, searching the room for any signs of cameras. None appeared to be set up. I nodded in agreement.

"Guards are outside." I whispered to him, so he looked towards the door. 

"Yeah, true." Was all he said before grabbing the bar of soap sitting to the left of him. I watched him rub the soap down his arms before I looked away. Gradually, I managed to pick mine up and wash off as well. When I was done, I set the bar back on the plate and waited a few moments before looking back to Vic. His eyes met mine.

"So...what are we going to do after we get out of here?" He asked, flicking some water around.

"If we get out of here." I muttered under my breath.

"We will." He retaliated quickly with so much determination in his words. Silence filled the room again.

 I thought about escaping. No way could we ever get out of here. There was only one way out.

My mind raced, and my heart hurt because I was thinking of such things. Never did I dream I'd be in this position. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out all the horrible things inside of my head. But it was too late, they were stuck there. 

Honestly, I knew this would happen eventually. I just never understood what it would feel like to want to kill yourself. How can someone live like this everyday? You're deprived from everything you've known and thrown into a whole new situation on which you don't understand at all. You're treated cruelly, who wouldn't want to kill themselves after being here for so long? 

I then began to think about the impact it'd have on everyone else. Would they even care? Vic would probably be able to escape without me easier anyways. My friends and family wouldn't care because they wouldn't know.

"Hey Vic?" I spoke suddenly.

"Yeah?" He replied.

"This sounds stupid, but can I ask you for a favor?" 

"Anything."

"I want to reenact everything we've done." I said, now sure of it.

He's been the best part of this journey. I wanted to see it all again.

"Are you serious?" He asked, obviously bewildered. I nodded. "Okay."

"R-Really?"

"Yes, everything?"

"Close to that. We can't reenact the bus part though, or trying to escape."

"What about the parts where Sister Margaret...."

"Of course not, the good parts Vic." He bit down on his lip.

"Close your eyes." He commanded, so I obliged. I listened as he got out of the bathtub. "Okay now I'll close mine." I looked to see covering his eyes, so hurriedly I stepped out of the water and wrapped a towel around my waist.

We looked at each other until his eyes looked at the door. Vic walked up to me, but didn't do anything. All I knew was he was so close to me I could feel his breath. It was like that one night in the cell.

"We begin now." Was all he managed to say before stepping away just in time for the guards to walk us back to our cell.