Perspective

Chapter Thirty.

"Cause I'm only a man
And I think I need some time to breath
But I've done all I can
And I'm hoping one day you'll see

Cause I've been on my knees again
Well I've been on my knees

Were do we we go, were do we go from here"

A/N: I'm so in love with this song, and the band. They're Australian, and amazing live.

***

Harry and I have just sat talking and teasing each other for the last two hours, while we had competitions to see who could go the highest on the swings. It's strange, finding conversation so easy with someone. Normally it feels like trying to pull teeth, and I'm always so hyper aware of the other person and making sure I say the right thing that the interaction is just exhausting and I want to get away from it.

But conversation with him is just so, easy and interesting. When I actually let myself give in to it.

The time has gone by faster than I thought, and I didn't realise I could get so lost in spending time with another person. Usually I'm breaking my neck to figure out a way to escape someone's company, and now that Harry told me it's 11pm, I'm finding myself dealing with a heavy disappointment in my chest.

Tonight has been this odd kind of experience with Harry, it's seemed so carefree and pure; well, if you don't include all of his crude remarks but it's just difficult to describe.

It just felt like a really innocent, simple way to enjoy each others company, and I can't even believe I'm saying that now.

We didn't talk about anything in particular, just ended up on random tangents that would swap and weave over different topics, talking about our opinions on different things. He didn't try about anything personal, and I did the same for him.

Harry seems like an infection, honestly. Like for the briefest seconds where I let an inch of my guard down; I've contracted a virus that is slowly spreading.

I'm fairly sure I've developed a heart arrhythmia, considering how out of whack it gets  around him - which could be a side effect. Not to mention I can't regulate my body temperature; and I swear I'm developing asthma with how bullshit my breathing gets too.

All symptoms point to him and the fact I've contracted a horrible infection.

Feelings.

I'm not sure what kind and I know they're only in their beginning stages, I'm not sure if they're purely hormonal driven because let's be honest; hormones are the most irrational fucking thing in the world but I'm also not sure what those feelings mean either.

The only way I can I can sum them up, is that now instead of wanting to punch him in the face with my fist; I want to punch him in the face with my mouth.

I don't like the fact that I actually care now, I would never go as far as saying that it's romantic but it's just the fact that I actually give a shit about him in some capacity.

I like his company. I don't like that I like it, that I miss it when it's not there.

If you care you are handing the other person the power to hurt you and that is something that explodes so much fear in me it's crippling.

And while I know the smart thing to do would be to put a stop to everything right now, I don't want to. I blame my genitals if anything, get one orgasm and all of a sudden I'm throwing all of my rationality out the window.