Perspective

Chapter Fifty Five.

“You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim,
All hail the heartbreaker”

Song: All hail the heartbreaker - The spill canvas.

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HARRY’S P.O.V:

Three weeks.

It’s been three weeks and Drew still can’t even look at me, literally, because she won’t come anywhere near me.

I only lasted two days before I caved and had to call her, but she never answered. Each day, and night, she never answered.

She won’t even come here to drop Gizmo off or pick him up any more when she works, Frankie does that for her.

Speaking of Frankie, he’s pissed.

He didn’t speak to me for an entire week when he first found out what happened from Drew, as if I didn’t already didn’t feel like the biggest piece of shit imaginable.

Even when he stopped the silent treatment he's been completely cold towards me. I honestly would've preferred if he yelled. This feels ten times worse.

Why the fuck couldn’t I just tell her? Why did I panic?

Well I know why, Drew practically yelled it in my face.

I am scared. I am fucking terrified. I’m a coward.

You know, I’d had daydreams most days for weeks now, about hearing her say she was falling for me, or that she wanted to be with me… but I never expected to hear her say it like that. With so much pain in her voice.

It seems daydreams are the only place I have her these days.

God help me I miss her so much it hurts.

I'm so tired, I don't sleep but what's the point in sleep anyway?

She's still all I see.

No sleep. Misery. Repeat.

I’ve barely gotten out of bed, and if I have, it’s to get drunk and go back to bed. Which is something I have not done in years.

Not since my marriage ended.

I found myself getting angry at my ex-wife some days, wanting to call her and blame her for all of this. Yell. Scream. Tell her that she’s still managing to fuck my life up just like she did when we were together, or when she left me after she'd used me up for all she could get. Usually it was when I was drunk, but I had enough common sense to delete her number over a couple of months ago. 

Instead I’d call Drew.

Call after call, until it hurt too much that I kept picturing her seeing my name come up and ignoring it. I can’t say I blame her though.

I knew deep down that wasn’t right to blame it all on my ex wife. This isn’t her fault. It’s not Drews either, it’s mine.

I never wanted to deal with my own bullshit. I wanted to play pretend.

I wasn’t exactly the relationship type before I met my ex either. I mean, I did date here and there but not anything that got too serious. Until I met her. I wasn’t terrified of someone hurting me until her.

She mentally fucking tortured me and showed me that someone can look you dead in the eyes for years and lie to you.

That they can make you feel worthless and somehow convince you what they did was all your fault.