Pillars

Chapter 16: Unraveling (Lorin)

The words on the letter from the Dean of Students blurred in and out of focus. Being put on academic probation was no surprise given my lackluster semester. At what point I began to unravel, was not so clear. I stirred the coffee in my mug, watching the cream swirl around and around just like all the fears in my head. While the world moved forward, my life stood still. It felt like I was spinning in endless circles getting nowhere. Kelci and mom were living their best lives out in Hollywood; meanwhile, I was left behind drowning in my own sea of self loathing and crippling anxiety. 

Honestly, I couldn't remember the last time I attended class. I would have loved to just stay in bed and sleep until everything sorted itself out, but every time I closed my eyes the dreams came back. They had been growing more intense and vivid lately. 

After the episode where I woke up screaming and hitting Adrian, I stopped sleeping at all when he was home. I found that if I drank enough vodka when he was gone, I could at least pass out into a dreamless fog. 

Every morning I woke Adrian with a smile and breakfast because I read online how men appreciated small gestures and positive energy. The less he knew about my struggles, the better off our relationship seemed. When my anxiety reared its ugly head, it always put Adrian on edge, and he began asking too many questions.

I had gotten dressed for class as usual that day, and waited for Adrian to get out of the shower. His breakfast and coffee waited on the table.

"Heard you up late last night. Studying for midterms?" Adrian asked kissing the top of my head. I breathed in his minty, soapy sweetness. 

"Yea," I lied. 

"This looks great." Adrian tucked strips of bacon inside the buckwheat pancakes I had made for him. "I'm heading out early to meet up with Josh and compare notes before Brinkman's exam this afternoon."

"Good luck," I said cheerfully. When the door closed behind him, an exhausted breath escaped me. I padded down the hall to start my daily routine of drinking myself to sleep. After taking three long, bitter draws on the bottle, I wrapped it in my Grayson senior class t-shirt, placed it back in the third drawer of the dresser, and collapsed onto the bed. A noise in the kitchen startled me, and I bolted upright.

My pulse quickened as I darted to the safe next to Adrian's side of the bed. A while back, he had told me he changed the code to my birthday. Just in case. As I punched in the numbers, footsteps moved down the hallway. My vision blurred for a second. I picked up the 9mm Glock, and flipped off the safety. Adrian always told me just point and shoot. So, when I saw the silhouette of a man in the mirror, I spun around ready to fire.

"Don't shoot! Don't shoot!" Adrian shouted.

I blinked hard at he sound of his voice. It was familiar, but it wasn't. I kept the gun pointed on him. Frozen with fear.

"Put the gun down babe," Adrian said softly but firmly. He stepped toward me slowly as though approaching a dangerous animal, hands raised in the air.

I lowered the gun and tilted my head, confused. "What are you doing here?"

"I forgot my wallet," he said catching his breath. He eased over to me and took the gun from my limp hand. Returning it to the safe, he walked over and hugged me. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scared you."

"It's okay. I'm okay," I said as if I were trying to convince myself. I sat on the bed and hugged my knees to my chest. Everything in my mind was jumbled and confused. Things I used to be certain of, no longer made sense. It was like grabbing at sand. The tighter I tried to hold onto myself, the more of me kept slipping away. 

Adrian sat down beside me. After a long silence, he said, "I know you've been skipping classes. I know you haven't been sleeping at night. And I think I know why."

"Adrian, don't," I said. He stood there with his hands open, ready to collect all of me that was slipping away. 

"It's the dreams, isn't it?" He leaned in to swipe the curtain of hair that was hiding my shame. 

I didn't answer, but he continued anyway.

"I did more research on that case study about Nick Glass, the man who was killed by his victim's father. Glass had been using the guise of child photographer to molest children and create and sell child pornography. He was a sick man." Adrian paused to see if his his words stuck. They did, and sent a hot flash of chills through my body. Why was he doing this to me? I thought he loved me. 

"When the judge released Glass on bond," Adrian continued. "A man ran him over in the parking lot and beat him to death. That man's name was Brock Martin." He paused, leaning over me, studying my every shaking breath. "Lorin," he said finally, "Brock Martin is your father isn't he?"

The one person I thought was safe, was digging at this festering wound. He had picked and picked at the scab until it was bleeding and oozing. 

"Don't!" I leaped off the bed. "You have no right to pry in my life!"

"I love you. And I care about you." Adrian advanced toward me. I raised my hands and backed away trying to distance him from this infection. 

"You shouldn't." I cried, knowing what kind of person I really was.

"But I do," he continued, reaching for me. "You're carrying my child. I have every right."

"No, I'm not," I admitted, looking him in the eye for the first time.

"What are you saying?"

"I lied. I'm not pregnant. I never was."

"Why would you lie to me?"

"Because I'm fucked up!"

My mind was blank as I fled the room. Pain and rage propelled me. As I bolted out the door of the apartment, I swiped his wallet off the kitchen counter.