Pillars

Chapter 24: Not Okay (Lorin)

By early October, I had at least three complete songs that I felt were ready to share with the world. I stayed up writing most nights when mom and Kelci were on set, and joined them only a couple of times for day shoots. Kelci didn't work every day, but when she did they were usually long days, or twelve hour split day/nights. Contrary to popular belief, set life was painfully boring. So I kept busy teaching myself to play guitar, and writing lyrics inspired by my journal entries.

"Let's hear it," Adrian said from the computer screen where I had set up a mini session to sample my set list. He was the one who encouraged me to sign up for the open mic night in the first place. 

"It's not ready yet." I had gotten stuck on my last song which was sort of about him and sort of about my dad, and I didn't know how Adrian would interpret it. When he turned down the offer for Law School at USC Gould to stay at NYU, I figured we were done. But somehow at least twice a week, we found ourselves "checking in" on each other.

"I'm not here to judge. Just give it a go."

"Okay. It's called 'Dreamin'. And it's about my dad," I said. With my eyes focused on the frets of the guitar, I sang.

I think I might be dreamin,

Wide awake and screamin.

I am not okay, with just walking away,

From you.

My heart is slowly dying,

As I lay here crying.

Not knowing when we'll meet again.

When I stopped playing and looked up at the screen, Adrian was smiling with glossy eyes. "That's all I got," I said.

"It's really good."

"I'm not sure where I'm going with it yet, but I like the melody."

"Me too. Keep working on it, you'll get it. I'm so proud of you," Adrian said.

"Thanks. Hey, mom and Kelci just walked in. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Sure. Bye."

Mom brushed by me in the hallway, making a beeline to the bathroom. She looked like she was going to be sick. "Hey, what's going on?" I asked Kelci.

"She was nauseous on the car ride home. She might be getting a bug she said. Hope I don't catch it," Kelci said.

I knew it wasn't a bug. Damn chemo. I found mom hunched over the toilet in her bathroom. I wet a wash cloth under the cold tap and handed it to her. 

"You okay?" I asked.

"Yeah," mom said. She pressed the cloth to her mouth.

"How long have you been sick like this?" 

"It just hit me. I'm fine. Don't worry." Mom stood up slowly and stumbled to her bed.

I helped her under the covers, then curled up next to her. As I brushed a sweaty strand of hair from her forehead I recalled Kelci describing mom as a walking ghost during her initial rounds of chemo. What I was looking at now wasn't far from it.

"Mom, you need to tell Kelci," I told her.

"No. I don't what her worrying about me. I only have one more week of the medication. I'll be fine."