Duality///C.B///

Chapter: 8

*this entire chapter is gonna be in dialogue unless it's italicized*

"Hi guys so... today I'm not gonna be singing. I'm gonna be talking more about my past life and about me in general. I decided to get it out there while I have almost no following so that I don't really get as much hate as I would if I was to wait until I had one. Some people might disagree but it's my life and I'm gonna live it how I want to.

It's been a week since I talked to Colby about my past suicidal thoughts and I felt like it would be good just to get everything out there.

"Okay. So here goes nothing. As you all know I was born and raised in Kansas. With my older brother Jake and my twin Reggie. We had it pretty easy. But right when Jake got into high school is when things started to go down hill for me. I always knew I wasn't the favorite child. My parents never really payed attention to me. I had one friend but she moved away mid year in 8th grade. I have always been an extreme introvert and I never really go outside much. I have extreme anxiety, and when I was 14 I tried to kill myself. I dealt with bullying quite a bit and a lot of it came from my brother Reggie's friends. Reggie and I never got along. Jake and I on the other hand, we got along great. I mean he had his friends and I had... well... myself but when he wasn't hanging out with them he'd hang out with me. I was a really big theater nerd. Being on stage was one place that I truly felt safe and not judged even though millions of people were watching and judging."

Then it was time to get into relationships. Oh shit....

"So I never really had good experience with relationships. I maybe had like one. And that was my first. So... I think everyone should know that... I'm not straight. I'm panromantic. I can have feelings for anyone no matter what their gender is. It all kinda started in seventh grade. I did technically have a boyfriend but I don't really count that for a relationship. After him I kinda began having feeling for one this one person in my math class. And yes guys... it was a girl. This kinda scared me a little because I hadn't really know of anyone who I could talk to about it and trying to figure out your sexuality all alone is really terrifying, at least for me it was. But this girl was absolutely beautiful, she had a perfect smile, and a perfect laugh to go with it. She made my heart stop beating. But I never got the nerve to talk to this girl because she was popular and I was a nobody.

"Then we fast forward a year to eighth grade. There was this new girl in school who came to school wearing rainbows all over. Now sure in today's society you think "she's got to be gay" Well back then that wasn't my first thoughts. My thoughts were holy shit this girl is fucking cute!  And I had just thought she was just a girl who was still stuck in her single digits and liked rainbows. And I mean I wasn't gonna ask her "Hey are you gay?" Cause that would be weird. But I did talk to her and we became friends.

"And this is where things get interesting, so my favorite tv show is Supernatural and at the time my celebrity crush was Jared Padalecki. So I brought him up in a conversation. Her immediate response was "actually I prefer Emma Watson, she is hot!" And then me being a dumbass and now knowing she wasn't straight I mumbled.

"I think you're hot."

*awkward silence*

Yes I said that. Luckily she came back with

"Well I think it's adorable when you fangirl, when you laugh," this caused me to blush.
"When you blush like you are right now."

That's how that relationship started and we lasted the year. She was a military child so she moved at the end of the year.

Now, I get into freshman year and we'll, no one really knows I exist, except the people who pick on me. There was this sophomore guy who I really thought was cute and one day he came up to me at lunch and we started talking. After a few weeks he asked me out and I said yes. Well after about two months this guy started to become really territorial and verbally abusive so we ended up ending that. Thank god. But then in my sophomore year I got with another girl. We actually weren't able to keep this one as secretly as I did with my first girlfriend. And my brothers actually ended up seeing us um... walking through the hallway holding hands and when I told them what was going on Jake was okay with it, but Reggie was like "don't ever fucking talk to me agin you skank." So that was really hard on me and throughout that year I attempted to kill myself probably... three times. And guys you really shouldn't feel like that's your way out. Don't end up like me because once you do... it's almost like there's no going back and there is this constant weight in your shoulders and all you want to do is escape.

Now for my final relationship. Um... it was with this guy who... he came across super nice at first but then after we got together all he wanted to do was have sex. When I told him no he would ask me to at least make out. And it kinda put me in a uncomfortable position. I didn't say anything until this one party on the beach. He got a little wasted and dragged me off and basically forced himself on me. I just got lucky that Reggie was there at the party and realized that I was missing, he eventually found us but by that time the guy had both our shirts off and his pants off. I was truly terrified that I was not gonna get to stay the innocent me. It scared me. When Reggie has found us the pulled the guy off me and basically beat the shit out of him. And that's the first time Reggie and I really got along. And ever since he's really been amazing, he's protected me, he's cared for me. And I don't think I could ask for better brothers. And from them on I spent the rest of my high school as a single person and I think I was totally fine with that.

So that was my story guys and I hope you learned something from it, even if it was just that I'm an idiot and you should never listen to a thing I say. At least you learned something. And please suicide... never the answer. Okay? And if someone is making you uncomfortable kick them in the balls and walk away. *smiles*

Anyways if you made it to the end of this video... you're probably like me and have no life. But bye . I love you guys.

I ended the video then  went off to editing.