2 weeks || ryden

[6.3]

(flashback to 7th grade)

     "hey ryan! hi spencer!" i smiled. "hey brendon!" ryan waved. "how was your guys' nights?" i asked. "the usual." ryan shrugged and spencer smiled at me with that look everyone uses as a sign that they know something someone else doesn't. my face burned and i shook my head. "something wrong?" ryan turned around to look at spencer. "no! spencer's just being dumb." i shook my head

     ringing echoed throughout the halls. "welp, i'll see you two after class. bye!" ryan waved "bye!" i waved back. i turned back to spencer, who had the same next class as me.

     "you like ryan~!" spencer teased. "shut up!" i looked behind me to see if he was still there. he wasn't. "it's not like he'd like me back anyways, he's straight." i shrugged. "you don't know that." spencer told me as we began walking. "uh, yeah i do. he says he's straight." i told him. "have you seen ryan?" spencer chuckled. "yeah, and i can guarantee that he's straight." i shrugged. "you never know for sure. he might be in the closet." he smiled. "yeah, right."

so we went to our next class talking about my new crush.

—

(8th grade)

     ryan and i headed up to the hill where we normally talk after school. we sat under the big tree, overlooking many buildings, and began to talk about anything that came to mind.

he asked a question that i wish he hadn't have asked.

"brendon, do you like anyone?" he asked. i felt my heart drop. "uh, why?" i asked. "i don't know, i see you and spencer talking sometimes and you always seem so, i don't know, mushy?" he chuckled. "um, well, yeah." i shrugged. "nice! who's the lucky lady?" he asked.

     "shit.. did i not tell you?" i muttered. "tell me what?" he asked. "haha, uh, i like guys.. i mean, i still like girls, but i also like guys... well fuck i just like people." i laughed.

     "oh, sweet! thanks for trusting me enough to tell me." he smiled. "haha, you don't need to thank me for trusting you. of course i trust you! i just forgot to tell you.." i'm pretty sure at that moment i was a blushing mess.

     "so, who's the guy?" he leaned up against the tree and looked me in the eyes, making my heart pump like mad. "um, well..." i leaned in a bit closer and so did he. he smiled and i kept staring at him. "well?" he grinned.

     then i did it.

     i pressed my lips against his out of no where. i'm not even sure why i did it. i think i misunderstood his intentions.

     i pulled away and his eyes were wide. "oh, god, ryan i'm sor-"

     ryan stood up and began to walk away.

     "ryan, wait, i'm sorry!" i tried to run after him. "ryan!"

he said nothing and continued walking.

"ryan..."

so i sat against the tree and cried. i had made the biggest mistake of my life.

-

(three days later)

"spencer! ryan! how was the weekend?" i ran up to them, completely forgetting what had happened on friday. spencer at me with a worried expression while ryan turned around with a completely blank look.

the memories flooded back to me.

"ryan.. i'm sorry.." i said. he walked away. my eyes burned from the tears building up and spencer came over and hugged me. "are you okay?" he asked. "no. i made a mistake." i whispered. he pulled away. "i thought... i just... i should've said something.." i muttered.

"can you tell me everything that happened?"

so i told him everything that happened that night.

-

(two weeks later)

i walked aimlessly throughout the hallways. spencer was sick and i wasn't didnt skip as much back then so i was all alone. i saw ryan walking through the hallways. "ryan! hey! we haven't talked for awhile." i waved and walked up to him. he looked me dead in the eye and continued walking.

"hey, are you alright?" a tall guy walked up to me. "i don't know.. my best friend hates me." i shrugged. "don't think that! you guys have been inseparable for the longest time! i doubt he'd hate you." he smiled. "i mean... i don't know.. i fucked up." i shook my head. "he'll get over it." the guy said. "brendon, right?"

"yeah... are you dallon?"

"yep."

so i continued talking to my new friend.

-

(freshman year)

"hi brendon!" spencer smiled. "hey." i waved. "are you still upset?" dallon asked. "yeah.." i nodded. "brendon, i know how much you liked him-"

"like. still do."

spencer looked at dallon then continued. "okay.. i know how much you like ryan, but he hasn't talked to you since last year. if he's not going to be the bigger man and get over it, then he's not worth your time." spencer tried to comfort me. "this isn't relevant but if he wasn't held back a year then you wouldn't have had to deal with him-"

     "you're not helping dallon." spencer interrupted. "sorry."

so i kept my mouth shut and stopped talking about ryan for the day.

-

(6 days ago)

     spencer, dallon, and i sat at the booth at ihop and just talked about life. "brendon, you still can't be upset over ryan... it's been years." spencer frowned. "i can't help it.. i still really miss him." i shrugged. "if 'ross can't accept a fucking apology from something that happened in like 8th grade then screw him. he's not worth your emotions. plus, you're fucking awesome! you're one of the greatest people ever." dallon smiled. "thanks dallon." i shrugged. i didn't believe them.

"fuck, guys, i forgot. i got a new phone and i need all your numbers." i told them. "alright." they said and began to write down their numbers on napkins. they handed the napkins to me and we continued talking.

that night i tried texting spencer but ended up having the wrong number. but that wrong number was a miracle. it distracted me from everything. made me feel better about ryan. it's like i found someone new to love. maybe love really was for me.

so i was happy.

-

(now)

thinking back on everything ryan and i went through tore me apart. the unknown number distracted me for a few days, but if something had ruined me for years, there's no way it could've been fixed.

but looking back at it made me realize.

i was the one at fault.

it's not ryan's fault, it's mine.

it's all my fault.

i began to cry even more and possibly a lot louder, but i wasn't focused on how loud i was being. i was focused on how hurt i was from everything i had caused.

but then my phone dinged.