a beautiful world | wolfstar

beneath his skin

Remus sat upright in his bed at around three in the morning, tangled in wrecked glass windows and the lingering stench of burning oil.

He put his head in his arms, breathing heavily, eyes wide and staring. His lungs hurt. His scars were bleeding again and his head was broken.

Although the terror seemed entirely encapsulating, Remus felt vaguely detached from it. As though he was just a spectator in the chaos of his memories.

The disconnected feeling continued through a shivering dawn, and he found himself drifting though breakfast, the static chatter of people upon people fading into the background, food dry in his throat, lights dimmer than usual and the screech of tyres against a busy road rippling beneath his skin, glass tucked under his nails -

"Remus, are you okay?"

Remus looked up, meeting two soft grey eyes with mild confusion. "Yeah, I'm fine..."

Sirius smiled, tousling his messy brown hair and leaning into Remus' shoulder. The taller boy felt his nerves reach for the warmth that rested against them, as if they were eager to feel something.

Anything had to be better than this peculiar absence of emotion - he so desperately craved to break out of the fog of indifference that encompassed him.

As he pulled out his planner, Remus suddenly noticed a tall, dark boy standing beside them. He looked up, recognising the attractive face that belonged to Shahid Kapoor, a Ravenclaw student in their year.

"Hey, Sirius, can I talk to you?" His voice was smooth and warm, and he gazed at Sirius with his beautiful brown eyes.

"Er, yeah, sure."

Remus watched discreetly as Sirius and Shahid walked a short distance away, trying to figure out what they might be talking about.

"Oi, Moons, do we have chemistry?" asked James, standing up and swinging his bag over his shoulder.

Remus shook himself out of his musings. "I think so."

"Fantastic, Lily will be there."

Peter rolled his eyes. "Only you could be happy about chemistry."

Sirius came back, a bored look on his face. "Guess who just scored a date."

Remus felt a stillness run through his bones.

"I have no idea," James replied.

"We're gonna meet up at around five." Remus didn't pick up on the unenthused tone, or see Sirius roll his eyes.

All he was aware of was his heart drowning in his chest, and the dark clouds in his head becoming heavier.

At least he was more numb to the pain than usual.

***

Time, that day, was organised and monotonic, neither speeding up nor slowing down. Remus payed no attention to its movement, preferring to ignore the careful procedure that he knew would never wait for him.

He found himself suddenly conscious in his dormitory, feeling as though he had only just woken up. James and Peter had gone to the kitchens. Sirius was on his date.

Maybe that's why he had been shaken from his open-eyed sleep. Maybe seeing a familiar leather jacket hanging on a bed frame without its owner had finally prompted him feel.

And oh, how he felt.

Remus curled up on the floor, wood emotionless beneath him, hands over his ears. Fury pounded devastatingly through his veins, leaving destruction in their wake. He was unable to think clearly. The lines between his dreams and reality were ruined.

Dry sobs hacked through his ribs, making his back ache. He remembered his mother turning around in the passenger seat, smiling sweetly, a tired laugh in her eyes. Amber eyes. His father was laughing too - a deep, slow chuckle, warm and full.

He remembered those laughs breaking off, replaced by screams that weren't quite scared, and the fire of headlights leaving blank patches in his vision before he blacked out.

He remembered churned up corpses. One he knew. One he didn't, from the other car. And always, always the screaming. Again and again and again.

His father didn't laugh anymore. His mother couldn't.

Getting up, he pulled open James' trunk, grabbing one of the bottles hidden in there.

Remus had been wrong. He didn't want to feel anymore.

So he drank, hoping the beer would take the edge off his agony. It did, but only slightly. He was still stuck in a weird limbo between the past and present.

There was no future for him. He was too broken.

And now Sirius was on his fucking date.

The thought made him jealous, then guilty, then disgusted with himself.

Why, why couldn't he just be whole? Why was he constantly trying to steal pieces of other people to fill up the gaps in himself? He could feel the spaces now, their mouths wide and hungry like infinite blackholes.

Sirius owed him nothing, and Remus had no right to begrudge him for dating people. That didn't stop him from doing so.

Remus hated himself for it. For everything.

He didn't want to forget his mother's tired amber eyes, or regret the laughs his father didn't make.

He didn't want to remember Sirius, fast asleep in a chair by his hospital bed, his faced tainted with tears.

So he drank, the alcohol coursing through him, and he gave into its toxic embrace.

Remus never felt more surrounded by people than when he was alone.