a beautiful world | wolfstar

sometimes

"And now, Remus Lupin!" the presenter called into the mic.

"Sirius, stop fidgeting," Peter whispered, prodding him.

But Sirius couldn't stop. Not when Remus was about to walk onto stage. Not when Remus was about to sing Sirius' favourite song.

The people around him started to clap loudly, whooping as Remus appeared. There was a good view of the stage from where Sirius was sat.

Remus sat down, biting his lips nervously. He balanced his guitar on his knee, and waited for quiet.

Then, he started to play.

"When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye.
You're just like an angel.
Your skin makes me cry."

Sirius felt his mouth fall open slightly. Remus was so beautiful, and not just physically. He was beautiful in the way he sang, in the way he wrote. He was beautiful in the way he laughed and thought. He was beautiful in the way he sometimes let his heart show through his walls.

And right now, he was letting it show.

"You float like a feather
In a beautiful world.
You're so very special.
I wish I was special."

There was a odd detachment in his singing. As though his heart was there but his mind wasn't.

Maybe Remus was thinking about someone. Sirius thought about Remus, anyway, every time the song came up on his playlist. And it hurt, yes, but it set him free too. It taught him to stop pretending.

"But I'm a creep,
And I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here."

Sirius knew Remus deserved the world. But sometimes, he hoped Remus didn't want it.

"I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control.
I wanna perfect body,
I wanna perfect soul."

Finally, Remus looked up, but didn't seem to see him. Sirius thought it was probably for the best. The expression on his face wasn't exactly subtle.

He didn't want Remus to hurt anymore. Remus, who had lead him through his nightmares like a lighthouse in a storm. Whenever the clouds got too heavy, Remus would be his umbrella. Whenever his mind was too cold, Remus would be his candle.

"I want you to notice
When I'm not around.
You're so very special.
I wish I was special."

Did Remus notice? Would he sometimes wonder what Sirius might be doing, or feel a moment of happiness when his mind stumbled across a memory?

It was unlikely, and yet Sirius couldn't stop himself ruminating on the possibility.

"But I'm a creep,
And I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here."

Sirius wondered who Remus could be thinking of, trying to ignore the lump building in his throat. He hoped that whoever it was wasn't an idiot and realised Remus loved them.

He wanted Remus to be happy, even if it meant his heart would never quite be whole.

Closing his eyes, Remus started to sing louder.

"And he's running out again.
And he's running out,
And he run, run, run, run.
No, he runs."

His voice soared, every word rich with emotion. Sirius felt tears start in his eyes. The pain. All the pain, and everyone could feel it, because Remus had taken down his walls. It scratched at the air.

Remus stopped, and Sirius saw his amber eyes fall to the ground. 

"Whatever makes you happy.
Whatever you want."

Sirius would give Remus anything. Everything. He wanted to pull Remus out of the shadows and put him back together, piece by piece.

"You're so very special.
I'll never be special."

Sirius blinked at the change in lyric. And yet, it seemed to fit.

He was a broken thing, and he knew Remus deserved no less that perfection. But maybe, maybe that was okay. Maybe Sirius would move on (give or take a century).

"Cos I'm a creep.
And I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here."

It wasn't like Remus would ever find out, anyway.

"I don't belong here."

The song ended, the final note quivering through the room. James wiped his eyes. Peter was breathing quicker than usual. Even Lily was swallowing back tears.

And Sirius?

His heart was aching. His cheeks were wet. And his mind was filled only with the thought of one boy, who was sitting quietly on the stage.

When the audience started clapping, Sirius was almost certain Remus smiled.

***

"THAT WAS AWESOME!"

"Jesus fucking Christ!"

Remus grinned, looking embarrassed. A curl of his soft brown hair fell into his eyes. Sirius wanted to brush it away.

After the competition, Sirius had swiftly abandoned the others and ran backstage. For some reason, they hadn't followed. But Sirius didn't particularly care.

All that mattered to him, right now, was Remus.

Squeezing Remus' arm (because his brain had decided that was appropriate), Sirius told him how proud they all were. Remus seemed to glow, his cheeks pink.

As Remus put away his guitar, Sirius' brain decided to do something else.

"Hey...Remus?"

"Yeah?"

Sirius hugged him, hiding his face in Remus' chest. He felt Remus reciprocate, pulling him close. The sound of people seemed to fade.

His heart was hurting. He could feel his pulse rip through his veins, and his eyes filled with tears once more. No matter how hard Sirius tried, he couldn't make his heart forget how to love Remus. Everyday added to his love a little bit more. There was no getting past it - Remus was the only one he wanted. Needed. And he didn't know how long he could pretend he was okay.

But he would have to. Because, sometimes, when Remus was holding him like he was now, he felt like it might just be worth it.

Just for a second, when Remus looked up from their feet, and their eyes joined, Sirius' heart stopped hurting. He smiled.

And when Remus smiled back, eyes crinkling in the corners, Sirius suddenly felt... something.

He knew now.

He knew he loved him.