a beautiful world | wolfstar

somewhere

author's note: italicised words are usually the lyrics, unless they're not, but i'm pretty sure you'll figure it out. no, i do not own the song. sadly.

***

"And now, Remus Lupin!" the presenter called into the mic.

Remus heard cheering, but it was muted by the blanket sound of his heartbeat. All that there was in his world was the guitar resting in his hand and his feet, which were making their way to the middle of the stage, where a chair and microphone stood.

He sat down, and the audience was quiet. Looking up, Remus felt the lights burn his eyes. So many people. So many expectations.

Somewhere... somewhere out there was the boy he loved. His hands stopped shaking. He would sing for Sirius.

Clearing his throat, he began to strum softly. The movement was familiar. He could do this.

"When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye.
You're just like an angel.
Your skin makes me cry."

The audience exhaled, but Remus wasn't looking at them. He was looking into his memories, pulling out thoughts like photographs from an album. His mind handled them carefully.

His eyes were grey. Clear, beautiful grey.

"You float like a feather
In a beautiful world.
You're so very special.
I wish I was special."

Sirius.

Sirius had been there, all this time. He had stayed up late at night to comfort him, he had made Remus smile when even breathing seemed impossible. He was Remus' sunshine, his silver lining. He was Remus' oxygen.

"But I'm a creep,
And I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here."

Remus couldn't be the person Sirius deserved. But God, how he wished he was.

"I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control.
I wanna perfect body,
I wanna perfect soul."

The lights seemed to dim slightly. Remus tried to look up, and found the sea of faces looking back at him. His voice didn't waver. His hands didn't falter.

He wasn't worth much, but he could sing. Sirius told him he could, and Sirius wouldn't lie to him.

"I want you to notice
When I'm not around.
You're so very special.
I wish I was special."

Did Sirius notice? Did Remus drift through his mind occasionally - did his smile sometimes appear in his dreams? Was Sirius ever haunted by the feeling of a certain hand in his?

Remus was. When Sirius touched his hand, his heart seemed to explode. He didn't know what had prompted him to take it, but he was so glad he did.

He could still feel the touch now. Sirius had soft hands. His nails were perfect.

"But I'm a creep,
And I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here."

It was so hot. And stuffy. And Remus couldn't see Sirius, and he didn't know whether he was happy about it or not.

But anyway, he had to keep singing. Sirius was there. Somewhere.

Remus' voice grew louder as the song went on.

"And he's running out again.
And he's running out,
And he run, run, run, run.
No, he runs."

His throat was heavy with volume. His chest filled with air, his eyes closed, his fingers strummed with an almost painful force. There was no one there but him.

Remus stopped, for just a moment. The note rang through the room.

"Whatever makes you happy.
Whatever you want."

Remus would do anything for him. He wanted to be with Sirius forever. He wanted to save him from his demons and fill his world with light.

"You're so very special.
I'll never be special."

Someone else could love Sirius better. But Remus knew no one could love him more.

"Cos I'm a creep.
And I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here."

But Sirius would never need to know that.

"I don't belong here."

Remus' hands stilled on the strings, and he looked up.

There was a moment where nothing was heard except the silence that resided somewhere within a crowd of strangers. The world seemed to still, for a few, precious seconds.

The applause after that was almost as deafening.

***

"THAT WAS AWESOME!"

"Jesus fucking Christ!"

Sirius grinned at him, eyes bright and happy. And tearful, maybe. But Remus could just have been imagining things.

The competition was over. People milled around backstage, yawning, laughing, talking about the evening. Remus still felt jittery. Like all his nerves had been pricked with needles.

Sirius gave his arm a squeeze (that made Remus feel even more dizzy). "The others are so proud, honestly, we were all having emotions."

Remus snorted. "Even Peter?"

"Even Lily."

That made him smile. Leaning over a chair, Remus put his guitar back in its case.

"Hey... Remus?"

"Yeah?" Remus stood straight again. Sirius smiled at him, then wrapped his arms around Remus' middle.

Remus didn't hesitate this time. His arms fell into place around Sirius, and he rested his cheek on top of the shorter boy's head. Their hold around each other was tight, protective.

His heart was hurting. It thudded deep within his chest, so loud that Sirius was sure to hear it. But Remus didn't care. If all his secrets were to be lost through the sound of his heartbeat, he would keep it beating forever. There would be no need for words, then - Remus would just let his heart keep speaking, in its steady, quiet manner.

Pulling back a little, Remus smiled down at Sirius. "You are so short."

"And you are so tall." Sirius rolled his eyes, pouting. His leather jacket was a bit too big. It hung off his shoulders and the sleeves left only his fingers exposed.

It only took a moment, really. Somewhere between studying the way their feet seemed to be standing in almost the same place (one in heeled boots, the other in scuffed converse), and their eyes connecting once again.

Sirius' pout fell, giving way to the most beautiful smile. Remus smiled back, his heart whispering a little louder.

He knew now.

He knew he loved him.