Different Worlds (wlw) Editing

T W E N T Y - F I V E

Ever since that night, I hadn't heard from Raye, and it was a little over two weeks ago. It was unlike her to not try and reach out but I didn't either, fearing that I would somehow be interfering in her life, which was quite unlike the thing to think.
I missed her a lot but I was afraid so I kept my distance.

I was unhappy that she wasn't there for me to talk too, I really was but each time I attempted to ring her up or send her a quick message something always stopped me from doing it.

She didn't care enough to reach out so why was I wasting my time, I would constantly ask.

What she did was more important than I was to her and she was making it pretty clear. If only I could've gotten that message sooner, that I would never be as important as being a criminal to her, she'd always chose that life over me. Always. I would've convinced myself that she wasn't worth it.

It was a hard pill to swallow as I was low-key expecting to be the one to make her change, I thought I was that special.
I thought that maybe if I loved her enough and showed her that there was more to life than being violent and this feared individual then she would've changed, but I was wrong.

I was so wrong.

Now all I was left feeling was regret and a heart full of sorrows.
At this point, I didn't know what to do.
I was torn between doing what I knew was right and doing what I knew felt right.

The rational part of my brain told me to be smart and break it off now as everything was still okay, but the other part didn't even want me too. It just kept reminding me of how much of a sucker I was inside for Raye, how gullible I was.

With each day that went by, I lived feeling miserable. My friends even noticed and tried to make me squeal but I didn't; the only one who knew why I felt the way I did was Christopher and he was a good sport.

After our shift every night we worked together he would follow me home.
I didn't ask him too, but he insisted being that there were still petty things happening between the gangs and he feared for me.

My family also noticed a change in my attitude when I had gone over for dinner one weekend, but I couldn't bring myself to admit why. How was I going to start that conversation off, especially with my parents?

How could I have told them that the reason I felt blue and was slowly beginning to disassociate myself from everything was because of the girl I loved, who also happened to be the leader of the Italian mob and that she wasn't there for me to have as usual?

Who could tell their parents that?

Eventually, I was left feeling forlorn. The sadness even more inundated that before.

I wanted to talk about it, but the only person I could've done it with was Christopher. I figured why not, after all, he knew most of it.

* *

"I'm sorry that I called you all the way out here, I really am."

"Brie, it's alright I understand that you're not feeling like yourself that's why I'm glad to be here for you."
Christopher said, sitting across from me in a chair.

I was feeling a particular way somewhat earlier and I needed to vent so I asked him to come over being that he already knew most of what went down in my personal life and he did.

He had gotten here a few minutes ago and immediately we got to talking.

"Why can't I just accept the fact that I need to end this now?" I inquired staring down at the carpeted floor.

That question had been plaguing my mind for quite a while and it is a rhetorical question, I just wanted to hear what someone else would say about it.

"It's because you're in love with her, it's natural. You can't see yourself doing it simply because there are still genuine feelings involved."

"And is it wrong to genuinely love a criminal, someone paved in the way Raye has?"

"Have you seen me Brienna?
Take off my uniform and put me in the environment I'm most comfortable and I become a thug. Girls have fallen in love with me before, in particular, this girl Lexie.

She knew how dangerous I was and still somehow she was drawn to me. She loved me despite knowing that I did terrible things undercover, so I understand how you feel."

I reviewed the brief history of Chris's life after hearing it. I've always known him as quite a sensitive guy, but not overly. He had his playboys ways of course but when he was genuine in wanting to settle down he was perfect.

I had once hooked him up with a girl and the things she told me about him in the first few months they dated were beautiful, but then he dumped her without an explanation and she was devastated. Ever since then I'd never heard from Emilia.
But the entire point was he understood how I felt which made me feel validated by someone who wasn't Raye.

"How come you're never told us about Lexie, she sounds sweet?"

"That was a while ago and I knew if I did you guys would've been pissed."

"Why, did you leave her like you did Emilia?" I asked and Chris's softens for a moment as it appears that he was reminiscing on the past but then the expression was replaced by his cold,  impassive face.

"No, I didn't. She left me because it was beginning to get too much. She got scared after getting confronted by someone and that was it."

"Did you love her back?" My question caused his face to soften yet again and it stayed that way surprisingly.

"More than I had shown,"

"So it did hurt when she left, it wasn't just another person leaving, there was significance to it?"

"More than you could ever imagine," He said and I contemplated everything.

"Do you get it then, on how torn up I am inside about the whole thing with Raye and the mobs and the dangers of being with her, I mean you should?

It would hurt a lot if I'm to just leave and I honestly don't know what to do. I have so much mixed feelings on behalf of it but I'm certain about what I want, does that make sense?

Like I'm certain that I want Raye in my life, but I have mixed feelings about being apart of hers. I don't want the dangerous and fast-paced life she has, I want her but it's hard to have her when she comes with that. Even if she somehow managed to break away from it there would still be people looking for her in the future and there will always be fear of that."

"I understand. It's not an easy decision to make and no one can make that decision for you. I'm not here to tell you how to do it, I'm just here to listen to you. After all, I'm just like Raye but I try to keep my lives separate. There are dangers being my friend just as being her girl, but the only difference is I'm not as important as she is.

There is the option that you don't even have to leave her but only if you're willing to live with all this, then there is the other that you should if you don't want to be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life."

"That's where the decision making is hard. I just don't know how to choose from that," I said feeling even more lost than I did previously.

"The only way you'll know how to make that decision is by figuring out if Raye is worth it. If she's worth living in fear for the rest of your life or if she's not. Only time would tell."

Christopher was right I thought throwing my head against the couch staring up into the ceilings. Only time would tell if Raye was undeniably worth everything.