𝑰𝒏𝒕𝒐𝒙𝒊𝒄𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 - 𝐓𝐨𝐦 𝐇𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝 {𝟏} (𝐂𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐞)

Part 42

I wake up and at first, I don't know where I am. I stay still as my eyes scan around the room at my surroundings. My eyebrows crease together and I look over my shoulder to see Tom sound asleep. Then I remember where I am and my face softens. Last night we both fell asleep on the couch, Tom must have brought me in here. I turn my whole body so I'm facing him and his hold on my waist tightens. Our faces are inches apart, I bring my hand to his face and gently move his unruly hair from his forehead. I trace my finger softly down the side of his face and down to his lips. I traced the outline of his lips and when he starts to stir I immediately pull my hand away. He groans and lets go of my waist to stretch his arms above his head. He lets his arms fall back down and he rests on his back for a couple of seconds before he turns his head to the side to look at me,

"Morning.", he says in a raspy voice,

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.", I apologize,

"Don't be sorry. I like waking up to you.", he says and gives me a tired smile. I prop up on my elbow and rest my head against my hand,

"I don't want to go to class today.", I say and look at him,

"Then don't go.", he says simply,

"I have to.", I say,

"You don't have to do anything. I think me and you should just stay here all day and do nothing.", he smiles and I chuckle lightly,

"I wish.", I say and look down. My eyes land on his tattoo and my curiosity instantly hit me. I remember him saying that he would tell me one day, but he never did. I look at it and try to figure it out myself, but I don't get anything from a date and a word that's in a different language. My finger runs along the outline of the writing. I trace each letter and number slowly,

"What does your tattoo mean?", I ask and look up at him. His eyes flash with some kind of emotion that I can't read for a second before it disappears,

"The date is the day Noah died. July 18...", he says quietly. I remember him telling me he died that day awhile ago. I bite my bottom lip and look down,

"Irremediabilibus.", he says and I look up confused,

"Irremediabilibus. In English it means inconsolable. When he died, I felt like there was no hope for me. I thought that it would never get better, that no one could help me. Even though there were people who did try to help me I just ignored them. I felt lost and empty. That emptiness that I felt was gut-wrenching. It was the worst feeling that I ever felt. It consumed every fiber in my body. And...I got used to that feeling. Once I got used to it, it became a part of me. It's like I just turned everything off and it felt amazing not giving a fuck about anything. But when I moved here right before my freshman year, I started to feel like I could start over. That I could have a fresh new start...but no. Of course not. Right after Aver-", but he shuts his mouth right away. I look at him confused, but he turns his head the other way before he continues,

"Um right after I moved here I started to feel it again. I fell into that dark hole and the walls I've built up to protect me from the world came back.but....you...you were the one I needed all along. You saw right through me. It pissed me off because for so long I was able to hide from other people, but from you, I couldn't. It was like you were cold medicine.", he says and I laugh lightly at his comparison,

"It's true. I didn't want you, but I knew I needed you to get better. It was always you.", he says. I give him a small smile and look down at the mattress. My heart aches that he felt like this for the longest time. It hurts that he even had those kinds of thoughts. His brother dying really broke him. My hand comes up to his face to rub his cheek. His eyes study my face,

"I will be here with you, every step of the way. Ever up and down. I want you to know that you will not feel like this forever. That emptiness that you feel won't always be there. It will get better, even if you don't believe it will. But the only way it will better is if you find yourself again. But you won't have to do it alone. I'll be here. You and me.", I tell him. I reach up and press my lips against his,

"You and me.", he repeats against my lips. I rest my forehead against his and close my eyes.