Road to Jannah

Chapter Fourteen • Breathing

There's no need to worry, I'm really alright, I've never looked back, as a matter of fact, it only hurts when I'm breathing, my heart only breaks when it's beating, my dreams only die when I'm dreaming, so I hold my breath to forget.

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~ J A N N A H ~

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It hurts. Far beyond what words can explain and not even the tears that have been rolling down my cheeks like a waterfall could empty out the grief that has filled me to the brim. I didn't think it was possible to feel more pain than this or cry harder than this but the moment Daddy entered into the house, I realized I was wrong.

I realized that seeing Maryam's body still, unmoving and shrouded in white was only the smoke, the fire of anguish that burned me raw was when Daddy and Abba and a few others my aching head couldn't recognize, came in with a wooden stretcher and transported Maryam into it.

That scene left me feeling like my soul was being dragged out of my body. I couldn't do anything, I couldn't help it and my body was stiff as it watched the bulk of it's essence being hauled away from it.

I tried to breathe but I couldn't, I tried to blink and close my eyes from seeing Umma and Mommy and everyone else wailing and following behind Maryam but I couldn't. I tried to follow behind them but when I took the first step, my legs gave way and I found myself falling powerlessly to the floor.

I wanted to feel that physical pain of my body crashing to the floor, I needed to feel the pain so it could distract me from this emotional torment but I never did, my body never reached the ground. I felt myself held in someone's warm embrace and when my blurry vision could discern who it was, I see Ahmad's mom.

All my emotions except hurt and pain had been dulled so that was why perhaps I wasn't even shocked to see her here. I even wished she would throw me to the ground again so I could wound myself and perhaps then, I'd forget the agony gnawing at my heart.

"Ssshhh honey, you're okay, you're alright." Mrs Sambo's voice lulls me as she guides me to the couch and sits me down. "Let me get you some water." she says but I stop her by holding her hand.

"I'm okay, thank you." my voice was cracked and hoarse.

Mrs Sambo nods and sits down besides me with a pitying smile pasted on her lips. I was glad that she still held my hand and didn't let go.

"Maryam is in a much better place, she's at peace now and her suffering in this world has been ceased. Allah is Mercy, remember that, Allah is the Most Loving, He loves her more than anyone on this earth does and He has decided that it's time for her to come back to Him, Jannah. All we can do is continue praying for her and pray that we'll meet in paradise." her voice is soothing and it is stained with that same accent of Ahmad's.

I should do something to show her that her words have comforted me but I couldn't do anything except hold her hand tighter and let a wave of sobs break through me.

I feel void and broken and beaten to a pulp and the most agitating part of it was that no matter how much I wept, I felt no relief. These tears weren't even a salve to the gaping wound on my heart, all they did was drain the life out of me and make me feel even deeper, the piece I've lost.