Road to Jannah

Chapter Twenty-three • Us Against The World

Lift off this blindfold, let me see again, bring back the water, let your ships roll in, in my heart she left a hole.

The tightrope that I'm walking just sways and ties, the devil as he's talking with those angel's eyes, and I just want to be there when the lightning strikes and the saints go marching in.

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~ A H M A D ~

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Life is sickening. It tires you and overwhelms you and pulls you down to your nadir until you sink so low that even your last iota of hope seems out of reach. It strips you down to your rawest core until you have no barrier of protection from the harsh realities lurking and waiting to attack you in every one of its corners. It leaves you with no pillar to hold on to and drains you of your last drop of self esteem and stamina until you are on your knees, defeated and wanting nothing but to abandon this already sinking ship and retreat from this already lost battle.

Contrary to popular belief and opinion, to me, life and living is everything but sanguine. Perhaps other people are too scared to face and accept this truth but everyone knows that life won't rest until it squashes you like an ant under its mighty boots and squeezes you of all your juices like a slice of orange between its powerful hands.

It might be the perks of being a depressed and irrevocably pessimistic creature acting up again and creating these meaningless ramblings but to me, there is no other way to describe life save as a sadistic ghost that haunts and taunts you until you are left absolutely hollow. 

Just like I am now.

My hand is cradling my ungroomed bearded chin and I'm where I've been for most of the whole of these past few days; sitting down on my desk table and trying to make sense of how and why my existence turned out the way it is.

I started out living in this world feeling like a piece of shit and try as she might, Mama could not make me think otherwise since my father was always there to put me back into shape whenever any of her attempts tried to succeed. And now, I know I will end up dying feeling like a piece of shit too. One thing was key though, Baba has been gone for more than eight years so I've realised that I didn't need him to remind me or assert my worthlessness, the truth needed no reminder afterall.

It is stuck to my skin, it is painted on my soul and it is the reflection in my fucking eyes; this quality of being the least important and most unwanted human being on the planet. This feeling of being an absolute waste of space and waste of oxygen consumption.

I used to wonder why Mama doesn't understand this but now, I realise that she has known it all along. She was only pretending and putting on an act for the both of us but my mother has always known of how useless I am. The proof to that is right here in my hands, this plane ticket she's using to send me away from her and finally rid herself of this blind and deranged virus.

A wistful smile emerges on my lips as I think about that but just as quickly as it appears, it slackens back down to a frown. It was true, nothing else could make this reality more vivid to me than my own mother not wanting to be with me.

Be careful what you wish for, they say, it just might come true. And that is the dish I got served with. I had wanted for Mama to give up on me long ago and now, she's done just but bizarrely enough, I felt no pain nor hurt. Perhaps it was because these days, I had mastered the ability of going into a shell and blocking off any emotion from reaching me. It being the only way to stop myself from yet again picking up my masochistic behavior and suicidal wishes, I have perfected the art of tuning out myself from this world and everything that comes with it.