Road to Jannah

Chapter Twenty-one • Happier

A/N : Trigger warning; self harm and gore.

Sat in a corner of the room, everything's reminding me of you, nursing an empty bottle and telling myself you're happier aren't you?

Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you, but ain't nobody need you like I do. I know that there's others that deserve you, but my darling, I am still in love with you.

But I guess you look happier, you do, my friends told me one day I'd feel it too, I could try to smile and hide the truth, but I know I was happier with you.

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~ A H M A D ~

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Love is an evil thing. It made me numb to every cautionary sensor of fearing the implications of my words and my actions. All I cared for was getting Jannah as far away from me as possible. All I cared for was not letting my presence in her life taint her soul more than it already has. All I cared for was sacrificing everything I have for her even if that thing be her love for me. All I cared for was protecting her even if that was only possible when I succeeded in sowing the seed of her hate for me, even if it would come at the cost of her eternal spite for me—which was ultimately what made love even more evil.

Love didn't care that all I did was purely for it's sake, that I had not only abandoned every one of my dreams and joy for it, but also every moral scruple of mine and used it as my only guide. It didn't care to consider any of those facts and decide to grant me a pardon and tone down the torture it's subjected me to. It still started a fire within me that gnawed at my soul and burned my heart to ashes. It still sucked the life out of me with a thousand needles everytime I remembered Jannah's pleas. Love still made these physical injuries Yasin has inflicted on me insignificant when compared to the emotional injuries it has so malevolently given me.

Which brings me to the fact that I had been wrong, Yasin wasn't nearly as good as an ass whooper as Baba was since after all the thrashing he had given me, I was still able to pull myself to my feet. Blood has been spilled yes, but unfortunately, I hadn't been rendered unconscious and left with any broken bones except the disfigured cartilage on my nose Baba had made me learn the art of easily resetting.

And now, as I lay here on my bed with a slightly swollen face and only a strip of a band aid over the bridge of my nose, I know I undoubtedly miss Baba. I wished he could be here just to give me what I deserved; a sound beating that would knock all the lights out of me and then maybe, finally I could distract myself with the pain of evil powers greater than Love's. But I was now here alone, devoid of my father's skillful mastery of inflicting pain.

I turn to the other side of my bed and though my left arm felt sore, I still placed the weight of my body on it and lay on my side.

"Can't sleep?" I hear Mama's soft voice from the sofa besides my bed.

Since the Haroonas had stormed out with the most priceless treasure on earth in tow almost six hours ago, Mama had been adamant on not letting me spend a single minute alone. She had forgone catching up on her own sleep and insisted on keeping a wakeful vigil over me. I had been hearing the faint sound of her prayer beads as she pulled at them and chanted supplications. I had wanted to do the same, to turn to my Lord and seek solace but I felt too ashamed, too unworthy to face Him after what I had done and after the wild and evil thoughts I have let to be running through my mind.