Road to Jannah

Chapter Nineteen • Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?

To really love a woman let her hold you, 'til you know how she needs to be touched, you've gotta breathe her, really taste her, 'til you can feel her in your blood.

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~ A H M A D ~

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I close my eyes in an attempt to force sleep on myself but just like the past eleven days, I fail and I know that tonight too, I'll be facing the sentence of a torturous sleepless night. It's been a week and four days since I left my heart and the essence of my being in the Haroona's residence; consequently, rendering myself a heartbroken insomniac.

I pull away the covers and get up from my lying position, sitting myself on the edge of my bed and burying my face in my hands. It had been going so good, almost perfectly as Jannah's dad had asked me all the questions I've been practicing the answers to and I answered him confidently, entirely by rote.

He had asked about my family, to which, after cleverly avoiding to go into details, I told him about my deceased father being from somewhere in the Northeastern part of the country whereas, my mother being from Egypt. He asked about my occupation to which after I had gently and sagaciously reminded him of the fact that the late Abbakar Sambo had left a fortune of inheritance to his only son, I went on to tell him about my plans of finishing my last year in university and starting law school. I had told him that after I was done, I would start up a private attorney firm and that would be my occupation. It had been going so right, the last of my anxiety was starting to wear off and I felt like I was this close to passing the test.

But then, the proverbial too good to be true came into play when I abruptly felt violent hands on me, grabbing me by the collar and pulling me to my feet.

What happened after had ruined everything, it had made all my efforts and hopes go down the drain and it had made Jannah hate me. I sigh heavily and commence an attempt of a therapeutic release; pulling my hair and letting the pain I felt at the roots of my hair distract me from that I felt in my heart and quite the rioting voices in my head.

They were voices that kept reminding me of how pathetic and cowardly I am. Of how I did not do enough to stop Jannah from hating me. Of how now, the pain of that I feel is like a thousand arrows ricocheting from my heart right to my soul. I feel every piece of me falling apart and pealing away, leaving me bare with a filthy and empty shell.

Every time I recall those last words Jannah shouted at me, the darkness that manifests around me becomes impenetrable and I hear the sound of my heart shattering along with it.

"Just leave Ahmad, get out of here!"

I release my hair and slam both hands against both ears trying to silence the sound of Jannah's cold voice declaring her spite for me. She hates me. Jannah hates me and I don't blame her, I hate myself too.

Last Monday, she didn't resume the classes and since then, she has all together stopped supervising the classes. She's stopped picking up my calls and even when I call with a different number, she doesn't answer too making me figure that she's stopped using that number just so I won't have any way of contacting her.

My hands travel down to my chin where my facial hair has now grown into a full on beard and I know I look like someone who's been abandoned in an isolated island but I couldn't care less; I feel like crap, I deserve to look like crap too.

It has never been so clear to me that I am completely worthless, I am better off leaving this world or better yet, not having existed at all since the beginning. I was helpless to those wicked thoughts littering my mind and planting their evil seeds of self loathing and self destruction in my mind. Now, my panic attacks were the least of my worries, my mind is already constantly panic stricken at every single moment.