Road to Jannah

Chapter Seventeen • Soyayya

Duba rana da wata suna da haske, gimbiya ta sai ke, soyayyar mu har abada. Ko rana da wata sun daina haske, gimbiya ta sai ke, soyayyar mu har abada.*

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~ A H M A D ~

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I wake up in cold sweat, panting profusely and in utter distress. I rake my fingers through my hair and let them crunch down on my head. Of all nights, I thought that tonight I'd finally be free of this nightmare. But instead, it hit down on me so hard and with an intensity that I've never experienced. It was extremely lucid and so vivid that I could still see those pitch black eyes staring at me in contempt and preparing to lay the first slice of the belt on my back.

I felt like letting out a scream then perhaps I'd be free of this fog of fear in my chest. I'd be free of the image of Baba strangling me and the imaginary pain that was nonetheless potent, squeezing my lungs and the veins in my neck.

I gritted my teeth and stopped the scream from escaping. The last thing I'd want is for Mama to see me like this, fighting off a panic attack. My breaths started slipping away from me and before I knew it, I was wheezing, trying to pump air into my lungs but failing miserably. My racing heart felt like it was going to burst out of my ribcage and my aching head pulsed violently, beading sweat over my forehead.

A wave of shivers overtake me and a paralysing tingling sensation starts to spread from the left side of my chest and shoots down to my limbs, making it hard to coordinate any part of my body.

Physically, my body was quivering and mentally, my mind was cowering away, trying to dispel the fear but to no avail. I bite down on my tongue in a bid to contain an incoming scream but it proves to powerful to tame; an agonizing shout breaks away from me and it happens again and again.

I don't know how long it took before I realise they were hands on my back and in my hair and there was a voice shushing me. Mama was here, I had succeeded in once again troubling and worrying her.

She managed to calm me down but it took several more agonizing moments to regain my composure and steady my breathing. Suddenly, I feel a stiffling cold replaced the heat and I started panting, repaying my oxygen debt.

"Its okay baby, habibi, I'm here. It's okay." Mama continues soothing me. "Just breathe, it's okay. Breathe, breathe in and out."

It took a long while before I come to enough to speak. "Mama..." I breathe a strained breath, "...I'm sorry. I'm sorry and I'm okay. I'm fine now."

"Yes, just continue breathing, you'll be fine." she slowly rubs circles on my back. "What happened Ahmadi?"

I wasn't unaccustomed to panic attacks; eight years ago, they had almost been a nightly routine but it's just been so long since I had any that I had forgotten what they were like. And of all nights, the night Jannah has consented to marrying me and has told me she loved me was the night it's decided to make it's dramatic entrance back into my life. I had expected a pleasant dream of roses and beautiful scents but instead, I got the exact opposite and I have no idea why; was it because I had told her about Baba?

"Nothing Mama, I'm okay."

Mama hands me a glass of water and sighs, clearly unconvinced "I've been thinking of this for a long while Ahmadi but I've never told you because I knew you would argue but... I think you need help, therapy or psychia-"