The Unexpected

Heart

The following days were quite idyllic. Holding hands, hugging, and kissing all the time was something I thought I could not live again. The intensity was not the same I had with Ben: he used to send me shivers throughout my body every time he touched me or caressed me; however, it felt nice feeling cherished again.

Luke sometimes saw me distracted, mostly because I could not help thinking about the past, and I could not stop comparing him with Ben. I knew it was not fair with Luke, and I wanted my feelings for him to be completely real and transparent, but it was simply impossible. I just hoped what I felt for him grew over time, so I could finally enjoy being with him.

Little by little, he started doing that. New caresses were fading the old ones. New lips were forging their way and putting the old ones away. A new feeling was growing in me, while the old one was disappearing. Despite all that, I somehow felt uneasy. I knew Luke had much stronger feelings for me than I for him, and perhaps I would never feel the same way he felt for me.

I kept thinking that if he truly knew how I felt about him, he would probably consider me a horrible woman, and would never speak to me again.

I tried to keep all those thoughts to myself, and when Luke asked me about it, I always lied, telling him I was thinking about meaningless things, so he would not suspect otherwise.

He once told me he knew I was lying, but respected whichever thought I had in mind, as he believed I would say to him everything when the time was right. Such a thing made me feel awful with myself, as I knew I could not correspond his love the way he wanted me to. It also made me wonder if there would ever be a time for me to tell him everything, as I reckoned that confessing my past would not only end our relationship but also open the wounds I already tried so hard to close.

As time passed, my new life became a routine: waking up, helping at the hotel, going out with Luke, and going to bed, alone.

Every night when Luke said goodbye to me at my door, his kisses were more and more passionate. I knew he wanted to come in, and not just to my bedroom, but also my heart.

I always stopped him, as I knew that if I slept with him, there would be no point of return: I would have the heart of an innocent man in my hands. A heart I did not deserve and should not have with me.

I also knew he would expect me to give him my heart, but I did not have one of my own. I had to build one from scratch as Ben took mine away, and even though my time there was already helping me to do so, there was still more to go. My healing process was long and painful, and I was not ready to give my new heart away.

-Stay here with me,- said Luke one day, out of nowhere.

-What are you talking about?- I asked, laughing at his question.

-Well, you seem happy here... At least you look more joyful than the first time I met you. And it looks like you're not carrying the world on your shoulders anymore, at least not as much as you used to.-

His comment made me think about the way others perceived me. I knew I looked somewhat sad or even melancholic to the world, but not to that point. I was certainly not aware I looked like my previous life was such a burden to me and, even worse, that everyone around me could perceive it as much as I did.

After that, he continued trying to convince me about staying: he pointed out all the benefits that place would bring to my life in both physical and emotional ways. He then mentioned all the good things that already helped me heal, and the many more that would come over time. He was very persistent about it, to the point I got a bit exasperated, and stopped him pressuring me.

-Let me think about it.- Was all I said.

And that was the end of the conversation.

However, that thought resonated in my mind throughout the next few days. I knew there was no place for me to go back: I only had one friend and one apartment in one city, but I had no job, no prospects, no life, or anything else that would force me to go back to a place I did not like anymore. It was a place that was full of sad memories I did not want to encounter ever again.