--
-
As long as I remembered, I was alone.
No, I didn't have any dramatic backstory or edgy phases, but it was just so difficult to understand people. Why were they sad? Why are they sad? Can't they just stop feeling sad?
The more of these conflicting thoughts flooded my mind, the more I was slowly losing myself.
When did I start to feel this way? When did I start to care less for others?
It was during the time my ability was awakened and had unknowingly touched a stranger's hand as my family and I strolled through the mall. I was very young at that time, maybe 4? 5? I've lost count. Nonetheless, I was praised for assisting the capture of a spree killer, even if it was on accident.
It was a gruesome feeling.
The moment my hand and their's touched, feelings of murder and hatred immediately bubbled within me. It was so sudden and out sudden, it had my state bedridden for nearly 50 days. It was one of the worsts times for I had felt immense guilt and loss of appetite from recalling the memories of mercilessly slicing and piercing another's throat, only to stop at five victims in a row to grab a sandwich.
That's when I had lost my innocence. Their screams of agony still flash throughout my mind, even today. Though it had lost the original feelings of pure fear and terror, it was still a bad memory to have.
When they found out that I possessed such ability, I was offered a position at a building that I still don't remember what it was called. I didn't hesitate back then for I was a quiet and lonely person; surely an active place like that should make me feel satisfied, yes?
It did. Only for a few months.
One after one, suspect after suspect, my mind was filled with detailed and vague memories of bloodied corpses and suicidal attempts. Every day, I vomited at least once during the evenings and began to suffer from malnutrition.
But they didn't ask me to stop for the sake of my health.
They only told me that they'd pay for the hospital expenses.
I was around 8 at the time I decided to take a month break.
My younger and fragile mind would force my body to go into a breakdown two to three times a day. My parents finally noticed my sluggish movements and thinning physique, but they didn't dare stop them from using myself to help advance their movements because of the amount of cash I easily brought in. That's when I realized that the people who had given birth to me, my own bloodline, was cold and stoic hearted, just like me.
I don't have much time to get into more detail on my feelings about that, but maybe I'll write in this diary some other time. However, I'm not very good at keeping diaries, so good luck!
--
A rushed chapter because I, ShitStain, have a journal and a portfolio to finish at 3 am!
such a crappy chapter
im ashamed of myself
YOU ARE READING
Staying Neutral
Fantasy[UnOrdinary Reader Insert] Mental and Physical Strength is what you need in order to survive this world full of power. You've got a long way to go. - Also, why John ;-; I cant believe you've done this ;-; Frequent Updates!
