Confident

Live

Song: Soma by Smashing Pumpkins

December 22, 1993

Stanley Uris has secrets. Dark secrets.

Stanley Uris sits at the edge of his bed, darkness consumes him. It's not dark outside. The darkness, instead, is his mind. Thoughts, bad thoughts, creep in on him at once. He's crying, but he can't tell. He feels hazy. Blurred vision, sweaty palms. He's nervous.

He's skipped his medication.

Stanley Uris has secrets. One very big secret, in fact. One that includes a note. A secret full of shiny objects and orange bottles. He's not sure when he exactly decided his fate. The boy can't quite recall writing the letter. His heart seems steady, everything seems right. This feels right.

A song plays somewhere close by. He basks himself in, letting it take him further. Stanley's eyes focus in on his room. He tries to focus on the song, but it only fades away. Thump, thump, thump.

Stanley Uris is home alone.

He screams. No one hears.

The boy's eyes shut. He doesn't dare open them. Not even when his door creaks open. Not even when the bed shifts. He's still. He's crying.

"Go away." Nothing happens.

"Go away!"

Stanley Uris has secrets. A secret that's no longer kept safe.

Bill sits next to him. His eyes are transfixed on the note. He can hardly comprehend the words beneath him. Tears dance down his cheeks and plant themselves with the words, smearing them slightly. He's shaking. Bill is so angry.

"How d-d-dare you!" He shouts, which makes Stanley jump and flutter his eyes.

"How c-could you Stanley?" He's still shouting. Stan is still sitting.

"Are you s-s-s-s-stupid!" He struggles with the word. Bill's barely focused. He's spitting words out of anger.

His eyes study Stan's, only to find nothing. No hint of sorrow or regret. Nothing. He looks rather bored. This angers him even more. "Do you n-not get it? Are you b-blind?"

Stanley shifts uncomfortably. His ears ring. Still, he stays quiet.

Bill eyes the pill bottle first, which only makes him more livid. But the glass in Stanley's hand is what sends him over the edge. He fumbles forwards, ripping the object from him. Bill stares at the object before breaking into tears. He chucks the pill bottle as far as he can and then does the same for the glass. Bill feels sick.

"You can't leave me! My b-brother already left me! You can't leave me t-too! Stanley were you even thinking? Do you even care about me! Do you know what this w-w-would've done to me! I already hate myself for losing Georgie! I can't believe after everything you'd just throw your life away! You said you loved me in that note, Stan. But are you so b-b-blind to not see I love you too! I love you, Stanley Uris! I love you!" He's screaming so loud. So loud that his throat becomes raw.

This wakes Stan from whatever mindset he was in. He stands, reaching for Bill's hands. The other lets him. Bill cries harder. "I'm sorry."

"I thought y-you were doing better."

Stanley lets a tear fall. "I was."

"What happened?"

"I thought it'd be better for you. You wouldn't have to worry so much."

Bill becomes angry all over again. "I've never once stopped thinking about Georgie. What do you think would've happened if I lost the love of my life too?"

Stanley stares. That's it. He just stares. He never realized. "I didn't know."

"Of course you didn't. You're the most oblivious person I know."

Suddenly Stanley breaks down. The yelling and anger radiating off of Bill doesn't help the headache or ringing in his ears. He wants to run, but his feet stay planted. He wants to reach out. He does reach out.

His hand traces Bill's cheek, which is surprisingly wet. They match his own. But despite feeling this boy in his grasp, he still feels as lonely as ever. Something isn't right. He doesn't feel right. Perhaps Bill is lying.

"I'm by myself."

Bill blinks. He's calmed down. "What? I'm right here."

Stanley blinks through the tears. "Are you lying to save me?"

Bill wraps the skinny boy in his arms, tighter than ever. His right hand rests behind the boy's head, the left stays around his waist. "Tell me what you're thinking."

Stanley repeats these words. "I'm not sure what I'm thinking." He pulls away. "What are you thinking?"

Bill sighs. "That I'm in love. A-and I'm scared. I'm t-terrified of losing you."

Stanley doesn't say anything more. It goes in one ear and out the other. Nothing makes sense. "You don't have to."

"To w-what?"

Stan shrugs. "Lie."

Bill takes ahold of the boy's face. "Why w-w-would I lie?"

Stanley averts his gaze, much to Bill's dismay. "You love me?"

"I love you."

Stanley's not convinced. "Are you sure."

"One thousand percent."

The fragile boy notices something this time. His voice doesn't waver. He's no longer scared. The stutter is out of the way.

Stanley loves Bill. But even scarier, Bill loves Stanley.

Bill sits next to Stanley. He takes ahold of the boy's hand. It's comforting. Stanley holds on tight. "Well what now?"

"Now we work even harder. Together. We live."

Bill eyes the note once more. They'll burn it one day. Celebrate life. Fall in love. Move on. Be strong.

They'll live.

You might be wondering what went wrong. But Losers, I promise that I'm okay now. I live my whole life afraid. Afraid of what would come next. Afraid of what I might leave behind. Don't. Be who you want to be. Be proud. And if you find someone worth holding on to, never ever let them go. Follow your own path, wherever that takes you. Think of this letter as a promise. I swear Bill, I never meant for it to end like this. The love I hold for you is too much. I know you'll never return these feelings. So promise me, your best friend at most, to conquer on. Conquer on because I can't. Be a loser.

Bill blinks through tears towards the boy he loves most. "You'll live." His pinky grips Stanley's. "I promise."

Hey! I know I mentioned a Christmas chapter. I did start one, but haven't finished it. I know that it's past Christmas, which is why I went ahead and uploaded this. But if you would still want that then let me know and I'll try to finish it soon!