Confident

Hey Dad

Song: Beautiful Boy by John Lennon

March 14, 1994

It's wet out.

Eddie's pants are soaked, not that it really matters. The soil that soaks into his knees and stains his jeans green seems to be an issue that's too far away to care about. His curls cling to his forehead in an unkept manner. It's unlike him, but who cares?

His mother won't even leave the house. In fact she hasn't even left her bed in two days. Eddie keeps having to call in for her at work. His excuse being that she's completely lost her voice, though this isn't the case at all. Eddie tries to bring her food, but each time she will just roll over. Hours later he'll go back to check only to find the food cold and soggy. What a waste.

He's missing school. No one knows where he is. He couldn't be bothered to say. His friends have probably guessed by now. Who knows about Richie. He can't bring himself to care. Eddie feels empty and cold and disconnected.

His teeth chatter violently. He really is cold. This isn't the best idea, but he needed to do this. He needed to see him. And he just wants to talk.

He should talk.

"Hey dad."

Eddie takes a deep breath. His lips must be blue. He'll probably be sick tomorrow. He's going to regret this for sure. Maybe he should get going.

But he doesn't. He's stuck.

"Mom, uh. Mom fixed up your car. It's mine now. Can you believe it? That she'd let me have a car? It's surprising. You know how she is. Actually I don't know if you do. I don't know. Maybe she wasn't always like this. I suppose it didn't really start until you-..." he travels off.

"Maybe you are keeping an eye on us. Maybe you're always watching. Maybe you do know what she's like. Maybe you know everything. Or maybe you don't. That could be for the better. I guess I could be out here for no reason. Probably am. Just didn't know what else to do. Mom hasn't left the bed in days. She does this every year. I don't know how to help."

"You know this was the first year mom started talking about you. She never would before so maybe that's progress. She tells me stories of you. Always says I remind her so much of you too. Guess we look alike. I don't remember much, though. I was young. Sometimes I just wish we had more time. Everyday I think about what it would be like if you were still around. Would we be close? Would you still love me? Mom thinks so. Says she knows so. Even said you would've took it way better than she did."

Eddie wipes at his eyes, not that it matters. It's not like anyone would be able to tell. Not when his entire body is already soaked. "She says that me and Richie are a lot like you two. He's my boyfriend, you know? I'm in love with him. I think you'd probably love him. Mom says he's a big goofball like you. I wish I could tell you in person. I'm gay, dad. And I think he's the love of my life. My soulmate even. Just like you and mom."

"It's just so unfair. I wish it was me and not you. I think mom would be better off. She would just be losing a son. She could've had more. But instead she lost you. And yeah it hurts me too. You're my dad. But I was so young. She had longer with you. It was supposed to be infinity. I couldn't even imagine losing Richie. Everyday I think about it. It's not healthy and I know that. But I can't help but to wonder on the what if's. So I always try to live in the moment. But sometimes I stay up late while he sleeps in my arms and I just cry. I cry because mom is so strong. I cry because I didn't give her enough credit. I cry because I can't even stand the image of me without him by my side."

"God I wish you were here. I miss my dad-..."

"Eddie?" A familiar voice calls in the distance, making Eddie turn his gaze away from the grave.