Pedestal 2 (studxstud) (discontinued)

Chapter 8

8 - Inner Conflict

Nola's POV

Why am I so afraid of love?

Where did it all go wrong?

There was no abuse in my childhood. I was adopted at birth, so I was lucky. They were loaded, and I got to live a privileged lifestyle.

My adoptive parents might've not smiled at me a lot, or told me they loved me, but they provided for me. They made sure I was set for life.

...Or maybe that's why.

All they cared about was me being perfect. In school, and in life. I had to keep up a perfect persona and there were no exceptions.

I thought if I was the perfect kid, they would like me. But they liked Cheryl.

Because Cheryl is perfect without effort. And I had to try a lot harder. It was a competition with her, and to win over my parent's love.

Even though I don't like smiling a lot or being nice to everyone, it was the only way.

I did love the attention that came with it.

It was nice. It felt like floating on warm water, which caressed all the right parts of your body.

But... I still had this emptiness inside me.

I use to think all the time, would anyone ever love me for who I am?

Then I met Cheryl's best friend. Tiana.

No, Tian. That was her name back then.

I was young and naive, she was older and mature.

I shared almost all my firsts with her. First girlfriend. First kiss. First date. You name it...

I couldn't cut my hair, or dress how I wanted. But she 'loved' me. So, I carried myself as a fem back then, trying to be exactly what she wanted.

I really thought she loved me.

It was the first time that I felt love, and I couldn't let go of that. I finally felt loved.

Love blinded me, and I didn't see all the things wrong. Whenever she wasn't with me, she'd never answer my calls or reply to my texts.

Then one day, she completely ghosted me. For days, and days turned into weeks.

I couldn't take it, so I went out looking for her and didn't like what I found.

Tian's last words to me were, "I never loved you. Not even for a second."

It broke me into a million pieces and I swore I'd never let something like that repeat itself. And to prevent that, I vowed never to love again.