Arms Unfolding

Chapter 15

7 days later

The fight with George sagged on me like a heavy load. I choose not to tell John since it wouldn't of helped him but it was eating me up. They were gonna discharge him today, they didn't see a need to send him to a mental hospital. They are going to make him see a psychologist.

John and I walked to our car. They offered us a wheelchair but we declined. I can't wait to have John right back home. This whole thing has been a real eye opener I don't know what I would do if I lost him. When we got to the car I helped John in making sure he didn't injure himself again. "Paul I don't need help it's not like I had surgery."

"I know, I just don't want you too go back." I tried to focus on John but my mind kept wandering to George. Why did he like me? I'm fucking married! John stopped my train of thought with a question. "What are you thinking about?"

"I'm just trying to figure out everything." That wasn't a lie but it wasn't exactly the truth either. "Figure our what exactly?"

"Just you and everything that happened." I parked the car but we stayed in the car.

"Paul, I'm sorry for all of this I don't know why I did it. I though I lost you." John struggled to find the words he needed but I could grasp what he was trying to say. "Don't worry about it, it's alright now." We got out of the car and took the elevator to our flat. John and I collapsed on the couch. It had been an exhausting few days with the hospital, doctors, and all that.

"I'm really sorry." John pulled me into an embrace it made me think for a second we could just put everything behind us. "John, it's my fault I should've believed you and not just left you."

"Paul, it's not your fault you didn't give me the pills, if you did anything you saved me." John's voice was got a rid of any guilt I had in my mind. It felt like the first time in a while I could relax. "I only told you about the thing with George because our therapist said we needed to communicate better."

"I can't believe you actually went to go see her, you must've been desperate. I'm sorry." John pulled me a little closer and kissed me on the neck. I pushed him away, without thinking, and fell onto the floor. "What the fuck!" John yelled furious.

"I'm sorry I-I just got-" I turned to John but refused to make eye contact.

"Scared? So am I, but I didn't fucking push you!" I looked up at John, who ran a hand through his reddish brown hair. I shouldn't have pushed John, but it was only self defense. "John, I'm sorry I don't know why I did it."

Something clicked in John's head which only made him angrier. "This is about Brian isn't it!" I didn't know what to say. I mean John could've been right but I wouldn't know. "John, I don't fucking know why I did it and I'm sorry!"

___________

"Do you think it was because of Brian?" I asked Sarah, our therapist.

"Are you scared of affection from John?" That was a question I hadn't really thought about. I don't have an answer for her or for anyone really. "I don't know, I mean I can handle a hug  but anything else sounds kinda daunting."

"Why is it daunting to you, do you know the reason?" I thought about it for a moment but came up with nothing. "I don't know, I wouldn't be surprised if it was because of John cheating. I mean- it's always in the back of my mind."

"How does that effect everyday life with John?" The tip of her pen was pressed down on the notepad ready to write. "I don't know, I'm always not full there but it's never that distracting. Is that a bad thing?" Her pen slowly made its way across the page but she managed to look at me with only a few quick glances to the paper.

"Is what a bad thing?"

"the fact I'm not fully in the moment?"

"It can be but it doesn't have to be."

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