The Nice And Accurate Stories Of The Ineffable Husbands: Good Omens

Hell Has a Backdoor

Not only had they made the one decision that would change the way they got to spend the eternity forever, with no turning back, but they had also now made a promise. To humanity itself, they would protect them no matter the cost. Heaven did not have sushi and in Hell at least they played Queen, but it wasn't nice either. Both Heaven and Hell took the fun out of things.
Humans, and Earth, were the only ones capable of bringing pleasure to Crowley and Aziraphale. All their creations, all food Aziraphale had ever tried, every single record Crowley had played, they all came from an special part of humanity, expression and free will, and neither Hell, or Heaven had that.
Meanwhile, Heaven's empty halls and rooms waited for Aziraphale, but Gabriel was certain he wouldn't even show up. He tried to burn him after all, even his twisted cruel mind could understand if he didn't show up at all.
Things with Hell had gotten a lot nicer, ever since the Armageddon that wasn't, Gabriel and Beelzebub had become sort of allies, in angelic terms, that was reduced to not trying to kill the other on sight.
Both of them knew, there were bigger plans, plans that could not be avoided, and each and every single one of them involved a war. It was ineffable.
Of course, the whole 'beings of love' thing had crossed Gabriel's mind every now and then, when he thought about Beelzebub. He'd grown fond of the ruler of Hell, but he was not willing to admit that, it was a weakness.
Beelzebub had had luck in the past with demons, whatever it was demanded, they were committed to it, except, of course, Crowley. Nobody really expected him to complete his last assigned tasks, but all they could do was hope, and hope was something demons never had, except, again, Crowley. Perhaps he wasn't a demon at all but just a fallen angel, who intended no harm but was sent down as part of the plan, the big Ineffable Plan.
Whatever happened with Crowley and Aziraphale, Gabriel and Beelzebub, deep down, always thought it was part of the Ineffable Plan, and in fact, it was easier blaming someone else other than themselves. Both sides were selfish, but one last meeting before everything ends wouldn't hurt, would it?
'So, Beelzebub, lord of Hell, in what may I help you?' Gabriel said in his sarcastic tone, as if he ever used any other tone.
'Don't know, do you?' Beelzebub didn't really know what he called the meeting for, but he still wanted information about the situation of the other side. 'Of course you do, you are an angel.'
'I really don't, you called me here'
'Yeah well, whatever, how about... How about you tell me about that angel of yours, Aziraphale, has he replied?' Beelzebub had become specially interested in Aziraphale and Crowley, as they seemed to be inmune to their punishments last time, he wondered how did they do it. And of course, how disobedient had Aziraphale been to survive the fire, maybe he could become an agent of some sort in the future
'Not yet, I'm expecting no response, not after last time. What about Crowley?'
'He received the message, no reply.'
'Do you think they'll come back to us?'
'Not a chance, I bet those two are married and in a private island by now.' When delivering the messages, their location was not needed, as it was directly linked with the entity they were sending it to, and actually, nobody cared to check their location.
'Do you think so?' Gabriel lost his little formality, taking a seat and pouring himself a cup of whatever it was that Beelzebub was drinking.
'I do, last time we saw them they had that happening between them... All that happiness and... that.' They despised feelings, mostly because they felt them too.
'Well, back to our stuff, do we really need to do it?'
'Are you, an angel, questioning God's plans?'
'Not exactly, I just find it pointless, why do we need to fight, if it's gonna destroy humans, and not us, not completely at least?'
'Last time your kind made that question, became our kind.'
'Don't you dare tell me you disagree. You, a rebel.'
'I am as much of a rebel as you are a soldier. You are just toys in God's plans, meanwhile, we get to have all the fun, disobey, destroy.' Beelzebub said, dramatically.
'We are not toys! Even if we were, what makes you think you aren't?' Gabriel hit Beelzebub's desk, in anger.
'I don't know, it just feels like it.'
'That is why we will win.'
'I wouldn't be so sure.'
'It's that why you called me here? You think you will win? What is this then, an apology?'
'I don't do apologies, you of all should know that. You are just here for a little farewell talk.'
'Farewell talk? Are you catching feelings for me?' Gabriel laughed.
That made Beelzebub stand up, and walk towards Gabriel, punching him in the face with enough strength to make him fall down of his chair, then answered furiously. 'I don't have feelings! I was just considerate enough to get to know the other side before our great fight.'
'That was... Completely uncalled for!' Gabriel touched his face in pain.
'You don't want your little angels suspecting you've been fraternising with the Lord of Hell, do you? Now leave!'
'We will meet again soon. In the battlefield.'
'Just pray I don't see you before and smack your pretty face!' Beelzebub shouted at Gabriel as he left, then sat again. 'Stupid angels.'
In human terms, Gabriel would have been a friend to Beelzebub, but they were not humans, and Gabriel was no friend. From now on, he was the enemy.
Meanwhile, back in London, people continued living without having a clue of what was coming upon them. The end of all was near, more near than ever before and Aziraphale and Crowley knew it. However they still had no plan.
'What are we going to do, angel? Just wait till some dumbass angel or demon murders someone and appear to them like, "Hello little humans, we are the resistance, at your service"?' Crowley bowed while saying that last sentence.
'I don't know.'
They both were obviously drunk, that's the only way they could seem to handle the end of times, again.
'If only that witch, Agnes? Agnes, had written about this.' Drunk Aziraphale retained on his memory most of the proffecies he had read.
'Well she did, didn't she? Anathema and Newt burned them. Nice day that one.' Crowley had another sip of whatever it was they were drinking. 'Can't you like miracle it back or something?'
'I can't turn back on time, can you my dear?'
'Of course I can't, what do you think I am, a Time Lord?'
'We could certainly use one'
'Suppose we could.' Crowley didn't fancy being drunk anymore. 'I think it's time to sober up, don't you think?'
'Probably.'
Once sober, they realized all the things they had said, and how useless they had been. That had been a waste of time, but at least, it was fun, one last time drunk before the end. All they could do now, was to prepare themselves.