The Nice And Accurate Stories Of The Ineffable Husbands: Good Omens

The Orphan

The end of times hadn't been easy at all, taking into account how poorly they managed to avoid it last time, one couldn't expect Crowley and Aziraphale to stop it this time as well.
They were completely out if ideas, but then again, it's the end of the world, who has any solution?
Crowley's cogs were turning inside his head, he was coming with some sort of plan, which he knew neither of them would like, but could probably mean a temporal solution, something to keep everything together for some time.

"I think, I think I have an idea." Crowley looked up to meet Aziraphale's worried eyes. "We should split up."
"What? What do you mean? Are you breaking up... Are you leaving me?"
"Oh shut up angel, I didn't mean it like that. I said, I think we should go our own ways for a while. You go to Heaven, pretend a little here and there, convince them you like them, I go to Hell and do my thing. You know, demon stuff, a few deals, cutting light supply to a few houses... And we get information about their plans." Crowley was more excited to do his demon deeds than he initially had expected to be. Annoying humans was his speciality, and it had been a long time since last time.
"We sure could, but won't they trap us and kill us my darling? There would be no getting out of that one."
"Listen, I know how they do things. They aren't actually expecting us to show up. They fear us, but they think we're more powerful than them, and they need us on their side. They're desperate, or else they wouldn't have called us, we're traitors after all."
"Well darling, how are you in the miracle area."
"Ngk, I'm no good at all, what do you mean?" Crowley was caught off guard by the angel.
"Well, there's no way I'm letting you go back to Hell. I was there for about a day and regreted every sticky step I took. Awful place, even worst company, no, absolutely not going back there" Aziraphale spoke in disgust, while he casually checked his jacket looking for any stains to vanish.
"Oh angel, you're overreacting, I've lived there my entir- most of my time" he hesitated, he didn't like Hell, but he felt it had to be done. "The only reason I came to Earth in the first place is because they sent me"
"They sent you the first time, what about the rest?"
"Uh- well, I, I guess that's fair. The thing is I grew fond of a certain angel, and they don't make those down there" Crowley came closer to Aziraphale, facing a quick move from the angel, who turned his attempt for a kiss down.
"This is a serious matter Crowley, focus. still, you aren't going back there" Aziraphale tried to sound angry, but in fact, he couldn't do that, he was too nice for it.
"Well, then I guess you aren't putting your angelic feet anywhere near that extremely white, and if I may add, extraordinarily empty place you call Heaven. No way." Crowley almost sounded like he was trying to mock the angel, however, that was just his way of being, he couldn't be angry at Aziraphale, he could only imitate his attempt to protect him, just to annoy him and get away with going to Hell.

They spent most of that afternoon arguing whether who should go to Hell, and who to Heaven, if anyone was to go. Needless to say, they got nowhere, preventing the apocalypse was still not their thing.
But the world kept turning, as someone watched them, and everything else.

God had planned going to Earth for a long time. At first they thought, body of a woman, made only for themselves, as most believed God to be a woman. Truth is they could be anything they wanted, but the pronouns used to suit them very well at the time, although they could always change, who was going to stop God anyways? They didn’t like being a woman on Earth, and one week was enough for them to realise that, they didn’t like the way women were being treated, so instead of just leaving, they left their body, and created a consciousness just for it. They had given the new woman they had created one of the most brilliant brains, hoping she would know what to do to change how things worked for women.

God had also played with the idea of going back to Earth as a prophet, who’d write books, not for the present, but to help build a better future for the humans. Later on they noticed this had not been their idea, they had seen that in a human series, ‘Supernatural’, they hadn’t liked the ending.
“Such an unrealistic portrait of me” they had thought, as they saw themselves as a rather kind being, not so selfish, although it had come to their attention that sometimes the beings they had created felt as pawns on a chessboard, waiting for orders.

That’s why for the first time in millennia, they had given angels and demons free will, after all, they already worked overtime with the whole Antichrist thing. However, to their surprise, both Heaven and Hell took it upon themselves to create a war, based on the prophecy of some old lost drunk. All except two, an angel and a demon, Crowley and Aziraphale, who seemed to be doing just fine with free will, and of course, they were their favourites.
So what would do God on an Earth on the verge of extintion? you’d wonder.

They didn't know that either. How was someone going to get on to Heaven, let alone Hell, and tell those creatures to stop a war that nobody had really started?
God guessed that maybe, portraying themselves as a human, would bring the attention of the only two who were doing just fine with the liberty card. Of course, using modern terms, Crowley may still have "beef" with God, with all the falling from Heaven and, "surprise! now demons exist and you, one of my favorite angels, are one now!"
It hadn't been fair they knew it, but for things to work, Crowley had to become Crowley.

So God's plan, was now on the works. They had to pick a new body, and for this, a woman should work good enough, so they, now, she, did exactly that. A little girl would do just fine. Who would suspect that a little girl knocking on a book store's door is actually God? And most important, what if the little girl was also an orphan with nowhere to go that just happened to stumble upon the door of said book store?

So they did just that. Now, God's plan was being executed