Sunlight Falters

142 2 4
by thehawkinspost_1985
by thehawkinspost_1985
                                    
                                              Mileven-Oneshots
                          The window's open and my eyes are closed
I'm dreaming about you and nobody knows
How scared I am to lose you
                          

                          Woken up from her slumber she yawned her body already craving the intoxicating allure of her dreams. The sun filtered in through her curtains, which she meant to replace long ago. It woke her up every morning when sleep should still have its hold over her. 

                          "Hi," she whispered.
                          "Hi," he whispered back.
                          The lines around her eyes crinkled as she smiled at him. She ran her fingers through his disheveled locks, which he'd gotten accustomed to. 
                          "I'm happy," she stated. 
                          She felt so lucky that this had become her life. A life she shared with her soulmate. Where the sun rose and when the sunset he was beside her. Her life was everything she wanted it to be and she'd never let it go. 
                           "You won't let yourself be happy," he spoke. 
                          Confusion flashed across her face at his words. She brought her hand to her side as well as putting more space between their bodies.
                          "What do you mean Mike? I'm happy right now and quite possibly forever if I'm with you," she said earnestly.
                          "You could never let yourself be happy for too long. You thought I didn't notice but I did."
                          "That may be true but I'm letting myself be happy now," she countered. 
                          "You let go of us. You were too frightened your happiness wouldn't last so you let us all go."
                          "I'm here with you right now. I didn't let you guys go nor would I ever," she remarked.
                          "That's what you used to say, but then you left. A letter was waiting in our apartment we had shared because you couldn't look me in the eyes and say you were leaving."
                          "I would never do that."
                          "I know you used to think that but the fear of your happiness vanishing took ahold of you. You thought if you were to leave then you wouldn't have to agonizingly wait for whatever it was to take it away."
                          "But I'm happy and I'm with you," she insisted.
                          "You won't let yourself be happy so you couldn't let yourself be with me‍. You knew I was your happiness, our life together was your happiness."
                          His words had an undercurrent of honesty and she knew he was right. She couldn't deny the truth embedded in his words. 
                          "What if I let myself be happy."
                          "You already made your choice El."
                          Hearing her name from his lips opened a river inside her. The pain from her choice was stark and clear it made her become disappointed in herself. 
                          "What if I'd chosen differently? What if I'd stayed and then my happiness was taken from me?"
                          "You would've been happy until you took your last breath." 
                          "How do you know that? That seems too perfect."
                          "You never let yourself believe you could be happy. Nothing in this world could convince you that you could stay happy, even I couldn't."
                          "I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I ruined your happiness."
                          "You didn't El because I had to move on. I didn't let your actions swallow me whole, even though at times I felt they would. I have a wonderful life full of happiness because I let the happiness in. You shut it out. You're the reason happiness can't find you anymore and will never find you. You'll never let yourself believe you were worthy enough to have the happiness you were once guaranteed for."
                          "Reverse time and I'll make different choices. I want to be with you and I won't let myself sabotage that again. I promise that with all my heart," she pleaded. 
                          "I can't even if I wanted to, but you already know that."
                          "I don't know that, but I'm begging you. I'll never be happy without you. I let the fear consume me and it was a mistake letting all of you go, especially you. Reverse time and I'll let myself be happy," she said desperately.

                          "I'll never be able to."
                          "Why?"
                          "I'm a figment of your subconscious."
                          Just like that, the walls of her subconscious wavered and crumbled to dust. The realization was shattering, which was too much for her to bear. Her room was dark when she woke up from her dream. 
                          "Mike," she called out. 
                          There would never be a reply because she had left her happiness behind with Mike. 
                          

                          -Sometimes you convince yourself that you're not worthy of happiness
                          -I got this idea, ran with it, and this was the outcome
                          -Instagram: thehawkinspost_1985
                          -I know I should post something cute and fluffy so any story requests?
                          -Song: Our Love Remains by Rei Brown