The House of Beardsley

Chapter Eleven

Sometimes, when I think back of the orphanage, I'm filled with nothing but anger.

I remember when the first nuns began to teach those rules to me.

"Always say 'sorry', 'please', and 'thank you'," their voices chanted, young and old, high and low, morphing into one. "That way, people who come will see how sweet and polite you are, and adopt you. You'll have a home and a mummy and daddy..."

I watched as my peers got adopted, one by one. The prettiest girl, with her golden curls, only had to stay in the orphanage for four months before she was adopted. She never said "sorry", not when she made fun of my different eyes or when she stepped on my feet.

I watched as the strongest boys got adopted, the smartest girls and boys. They left so quickly that it didn't matter anymore. I was always going to stay. I might as well not make friends that were going to leave me and forget about me.

And despite my meek exterior—which had became a mask I couldn't take off at that point—inside I felt it.

Something that spread slowly, like a drop of ink in water. Hazy, strange, and hard to explain.

That's when I realized it.

I had stopped greeting every child that got adopted, holding their hand and saying heartfelt goodbyes like I once did. I had stopped smiling when people visited the church, hoping to be chosen. I had stopped praying when it was time to pray. Yes. That was it.

I had stopped believing.

I had stopped believing the world was a beautiful place, that the Lord loved me, and most of all, anything would change.

I suppose this whole time, I was fake. At the very beginning, when I stepped into the House of Beardsley and met Clo, Beth, Rhiannon, and everyone. I had no right to be upset at Rhiannon.

But from now on, I could still change.

***

After we finished cleaning and then dinner and went upstairs to wash, it was my turn to bath first.

I turned to Clo, and had to work up some courage before asking,

"Do you want to bath with me?"

She stare at me wide eyed, and for a very long time.

"That's no fair!" Beth chimes in from the background, jokingly. "Shuyan never invites me!"

"It's her first time inviting anyone," Clo said, eyes still wide. Then she frowned. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, do you not want to?"

"No, I mean, I just assumed you were the type to like their privacy, like Rhiannon."

"I want your advice on something."

"Oh?" She smirked. "And it's a secret? Sounds intriguing."

"I don't know about that," I said, but by that time she was already taking her nightgown.

I took my nightgown too, and we both went to the bathing-room together.

The house of Beardsley might be gloomy, but the bathing-room was a beautiful place, even though we were using the female servants' bathing-room. It was a bit smaller, but the bathtub was sill good enough for a person to feel comfortable in, and while one bathed, another one usually washed themselves off with the hot water in the basin.