Life of Ives ✔️

Thirty-eight

IVES

Hello, Darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again.

The soft, yet very powerful, music is practically molesting my eardrums as I close my eyes and lay down on the cold floor of some kind of utility closet inside my dormitory.

Josie is in our room, and I can't face her right now. I left Dean at the stream, where I'd really like to go back, but I can't. I really want to ask Max for some more weed, but I don't think I should bother him. He might be in class, or he might be mad at me.

Instead of doing anything that would be good for me, like talking to my friend about my problems, I locked myself into the closet, laid down onto the floor, and put on some music.

The Sound of Silence is filling my ears, in the style of Disturbed. I've gained a lot of knowledge about music since I started really listening to it again during this weekend. I do enjoy the original version of the song, too, but today, this one seemed more fitting to my mood.

It's more... chilling. And intense.

I get chills when the violins join in, and the singer really uses his thoracic diaphragm to get all that power into the notes. I'm sure no one could do what he can with that song. Not even old Paul and Art.

I've cried so much already, I don't know what else to do.

I'm so fucking stupid. I've definitely fallen for Dean, considering how much pain there is in my chest right now.

Everything around me seems to be crumbling down before I can even appreciate how good it is. Like today. I quit my job, and I don't ever have to see Alex again, if I don't want to. Then I smoked weed with my friend, and I felt so good doing it, too. Then said friend kissed me, in front of the guy I'm definitely maybe in love with.

My heart skips a beat as I think back to when Dean asked me to be his girlfriend. His words were perfect.

How would you feel about only kissing me from now on?

I knew what he meant by that, I just wanted him to say the actual words.

I close my eyes as I feel the regret fill my body up. I can't ever be with anyone, I think. I have way too much baggage for it to be a good relationship of any kind.

Honestly, I would do everyone around me a favor if I just... died.

My eyes shoot open at the thought.

It's not the first time I've thought about that, but it's the first time I haven't felt scared or hesitant when thinking about it. Should I...?

I look around me inside the closet, and I don't see anything that immediately catches my eye. I take a few deep breaths as I look around me, more determinedly now.

The song in my ears changes, and the sound of a guitar fills the suddenly very prominent silence inside the closet. A man's voice starts singing, too, and I swallow hard.

This world will never be what I expected, and if I don't belong, who would've guessed it?

Tears are once again running down my cheeks as I listen to the lyrics of the song. I've dug myself into some deep corner of the world's music library, where everything seems to fit my mood and my wishes at the moment perfectly.

Even if I say It'll be alright, still I hear you say you want to end your life.

I can't help it, I just cry so hard. I'm sure my sobs can be heard outside in the hallway, but I have no idea what else to do. My whole body is shaking violently as I sob, cry and hiccup into my own arms, while I listen to the singer in my ears telling his friend not to do it.