Life of Ives ✔️

Forty-two

IVES

I never liked hospitals. Not even before I was stabbed. Right now, though, I'm a little indifferent. I don't really care what it makes me feel like anymore.

I was kept there for five weeks, including the week I was unconscious, giving me one week at home before Christmas. And when I say "at home" I meant in my dad's house, with Ray. Dad is nowhere to be seen. He disappeared after what I did, and I don't know if I should be worried or not. It's really frustrating.. Ray has reported him missing, too, and tried to let him know that I'm okay, but there's no response. I am worried, but I try not to think about it.

I like to think he's left the country to finally live out his dream of living on a tropical isle somewhere, with steel drums and women in coconut bras. He always wanted that, even before mom died. They used to joke about retiring in one of those places, and only visiting Ray and I during the holidays.

It would be cool if he did that. It's definitely easier to think he's somewhere out there, rather than think he's tried to do what I tried to do.

I still can't say the words out loud, but I've been through a lot of therapy, and I like to think that it has worked.

My therapist also talked to the school, and they'll let me continue after New Years, if I want to, so I can get my degree in a few years, and hopefully end up as a successful human being after all.

Dean has been busy with The Secret and his studies while I've been hospitalized, but he's dropped by at least once a week, with a new bouquet of flowers for me. He's like a dream come true, honestly, and he's been texting me every day.

It even turned into some sexting one time, and I can't believe I'm admitting it, but I kind of enjoyed it. It was really hot to imagine what he wanted to do to me.. Especially since I know what it feels like to do some of those things now, and it made my fantasies even stronger.

Dean is the perfect embodiment of a walking, wet dream.

Mine, at least.

It's just a few days until Christmas, and I feel so damn lonely.. I still talk to the same therapist that I had in the hospital over the phone now and then, and when I get back to college we'll have weekly sessions until I feel like I can go without it. Ray has been nowhere to be found most days, except for when it's time for dinner. It's good that he has something to do, but I wish I could have stayed in my dorm, then, if he was going to be so distant all the time.

I'm sitting on the couch, pressing the "+ channel" button on the remote repeatedly, until I reach the last channel. I then start over again, by pressing the "- channel" button.

My life has officially become that boring.

I really want to text Josie or Dean right about now, but I know they're both busy with their families, celebrating and having fun with their traditions and stuff. Maybe I can text Max.. I haven't talked to him in a while, and I still haven't told him I'm sorry for what I did..

I pull out my phone from the pocket of my sweatpants, and scroll through my contacts until I find his name, and call him.

It rings quite a few times, and I'm about to hang up, when I can hear him answering on the other end. There's a whole lot of noises around him, and he's laughing.

"Hey, Ives, what a surprise. How's it going?" he asks.

I feel my stomach start to knot, as if I'm disturbing him during a good time or something.

"I'm doing fine," I say, and bite my lip a little. "How are you? Am I interrupting something?"

"Oh, no, not at all. I'm just out with my dad. We're having some drinks to celebrate me coming over for the holidays," he says, and I hear glass clinking, and even more laughter in the background. "Are you still in the, uh, hospital?"