the Secret Life of Damien Carmichael

4. Late Night Conversations

Damien did his best to stay away from Oliver and Carrie after that, not that she seemed to want to let him, whenever he would try to sneak away to the library to get some writing done or otherwise be by himself, Carrie would almost inevitably appear several minutes later and just sit there. Quietly, but making her presence known all the same.

On the third day of this, Carrie finally spoke up, "I'm sorry if I tried to push you out of the closet. I guess I forgot how difficult it is to have to live in that world," she admitted. "Or maybe I never really knew. Tyler and I never really came out to our parents. It just... was. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have this secret that you feel like you have to keep hidden from everyone. Especially when you're so open online."

He hadn't meant to be open online, but his Tumblr had become the only safe place he could be out. It had started slowly at first. A casual mention here and there, hidden away in the darkest corners of his bedroom, late at night where no one could possibly see him. Once he had realized that no one would see him and that no one around him actually cared enough to check in on what he was doing online, he became more confident. More brazen. Through his writing, he could be honest about who he was, and what he wanted. He could explore aspects of himself that otherwise had to remain hidden. Through Adamsxboytoyx3, Damien could discover himself. His wants and desires, his hope for love, for an Adam of his own, or what Adam symbolized anyway. A man who would love him despite everything else. A man who could see into the deepest recesses of his soul and love him not in spite of his flaws, but because of them. A man who knew every secret, every fear and made him feel calm. Protected. Loved.

Damien merely sighed. "I know that you meant well," he said, quietly. "You have no idea how desperately I'd love to be able to just be myself," he said. He laughed suddenly, thinking about all the times Phi had called him a homophobe. "I would give anything to be able to be out, like you and Tyler. To not have to feel like I'm constantly hiding some part of myself, and second-guessing everything I say to make sure that nobody figures out my secret. But I know what I stand to lose. So it's just easier to keep my mouth shut and pretend like it's not a thing," he admitted.

Carrie stared at him solemnly, Damien hated that look, he hated the pitying stare she gave him then. It was all he could do not to scream.

For his part, Oliver seemed perfectly content to leave him alone. Whatever classes they shared together, the two sat as far away from one another as they could manage, thus making them unlikely to ever end up as partners for any class projects, a fact for which Damien was unfathomably grateful. The last thing he needed was to force himself to have to be friendly with someone who clearly wasn't interested.

Sitting alone in the middle of the forest, was the closest thing Damien got to being truly alone at Westlake. He had tried rather desperately to find a new hiding spot after Carrie had so quickly discovered his last one, but they never seemed to be deep enough into the woods or close enough to the lake for him to be able to hide from her for long. It had become something of an accidental game of hide and seek wherein Damien would move each night, deeper and deeper into the woods, and Carrie would seek him out every single time. 

After nearly a week of this, Damien had given up on trying to hide from her altogether and had instead insisted on just trying to hide from whatever monitor might be on the lookout trying to find students up to mischief, or the inevitable couple trying to find a hiding spot to have sex. Damien shuddered at the thought, wishing desperately he still had alcohol. It was bad enough he was down to his last four cigarettes, and the rate he was currently going at meant they would not last into the next week let alone till the winter holidays. He would have to find a new source before then.

A cold wind whipped through the trees, sending a chill down Damien's spine, making him wish he had thought to bring a jumper.

"Having a nice time?" Carrie asked, as she appeared behind a tree and sat down beside him. If Damien didn't know any better he would have said she was a witch who had just appeared there out of nothing.