the Secret Life of Damien Carmichael

9. Apology Letter (part I)

Carrie had proved easy enough to locate; she had remained in their usual spot in the Dining Hall. It had taken every ounce of courage he possessed to take the seat across from her as if nothing had happened that Monday at lunch.

"I'm sorry," he said matter-of-factly.

Carrie didn't look up from her lunch. Damien let his apology sit. He considered repeating it, or otherwise trying to ensure that she had heard him, but he knew she had heard him. He didn't deserve her forgiveness he thought, but he hoped she would give it anyway.

"It's not me you need to apologize to," she said quietly. Damien frowned. She was right of course but knowing that didn't make it any easier. 

"He wouldn't accept it if I tried," Damien replied.

"Well, that's on you," she said looking up at him at last. "You really hurt him with what you said."

"I know."

"It was a shitty thing to say."

"I know."

"You were a right ass."

"I know."

"Then why the hell did you say it?" Carrie demanded, looking more hurt than Damien had expected. 

Damien sighed. "I don't... know," he admitted. He had spent the better part of the weekend trying to figure it out. The moment the words had left his lips he had regretted them, and for the life of him, he couldn't make heads or tails of the decision. It was, as if he'd been possessed, his mouth had just run off without his permission or his knowledge and by the time his brain had caught up with the words it was far too late to stop them.

"Well you need to figure it out," she said. "Because 'I don't know' isn't going to be an acceptable answer and the least you could do is tell Oliver you're sorry. Whether or not he accepts that, isn't for you to decide."

Damien nodded. "You're absolutely right," he said, frowning into his lunch. 

"You're damn right I'm right," Carrie replied, shaking her head at him like a displeased mother.

"I don't suppose we could still be friends?" he asked.

Carrie rolled her eyes, "I wasn't not going to be friends with you just because you were being an ass, but I did want you to take some time to realize what you had done and why it was wrong."

"I did, and I do. I knew immediately I shouldn't have said it," Damien repeated. Carrie nodded. "This has been the single worst weekend of my life."

"I heard about the snakes," Carrie said, taking a bite of her lunch.

"Did you hear about the part where your brother told me I should jump in the lake?" he asked, taking a bite of his salad, feeling mildly more comfortable knowing that at the very least Carrie was still on his side. 

"He what?" Carrie's eyes lowered.

"He said if I had any decency I would jump out of a window or go walk into the lake," Damien replied, taking a sip of orange juice. He hadn't wanted to admit that Tyler's words had stung more than he had let on. He would never do it of course, but being made to feel like a monster for the better part of the last year had begun to take its toll on his psyche.

Carrie snorted, "That little fucking shit. You know he's lucky I don't kick his ass again, wait till mom and dad hear about this, they'll ship him off to military school, you mark my words."

"Please don't tell your parents. There's no need to make this into a big deal."

"He put snakes in your bed, he told you to kill yourself. He's been bullying you for a year! I think it's a big deal already," Carrie argued.

Damien knew she was right, but he really, REALLY didn't want to deal with it.

"Look, it's going to be fine. I can handle a little bullying, besides it's not like I'd actually do it."

"And? You think it's okay that he just says that to people? What if someone did do it? And you didn't say anything about the fact he was bullying you?" Damien hadn't really thought about that. He hadn't wanted to think about it at all, let alone in that capacity. But as far as Damien knew Tyler had his sights solely on himself. 

"And what happens if no one does anything? We can't just take matters into our own hands."

"Why not?" Carrie asked. "I've kicked his ass before, I'm not afraid to do it again."

Damien laughed despite himself. "I appreciate your willingness to get expelled for me, but really, he has to get over this eventually."

"Does he? Because he hasn't yet. How long are you supposed to pay penance for him cheating on his boyfriend and you catching him? In what world does he not take responsibility for that, but you do?"

Damien sighed. "Let's cross that bridge when we get to it," he suggested. Carrie shook her head, it was clear that she had more thoughts on the matter, but seemed to be keeping them largely to herself. "I need to figure out how to apologize to Oliver first," he added.

Carrie smirked, "I'm sure you'll think of something," she said. "You're fairly brilliant when you put your mind to it."

Damien snorted, "Your confidence in me is humbling, truly." 

Damien wasn't so confident. Try though he might, everything he had considered thus far felt trite. How does one apologize for such a monumental cock-up? He wondered. It had been the subject of no less than a thousand thoughts thus far, and still, he was no closer to finding the solution now than he had been in the immediate aftermath of his words.