Falling ♡ Timothée Chalamet

07 - guilt

Being 15 minutes late to soccer practice is not a very ideal thing to do.

I'm not playing soccer considering I have an injury, but my coach still wants me to show up to every practice so I don't miss out on anything. He says that I'm still the captain whether I like it or not.

As for Timothée, he got yelled at by Coach Blue and I had to watch Coach raise his voice at him in front of the whole team and make him run laps across the field all because he was late to practice.

The guilt set in. The only reason he was late was because I made him late and I couldn't help but feel so horrible about it as I watched him run around the field in circles.

After finishing the five laps Coach Blue made him drop and do 50 push ups. Timothée didn't complain, he just did them with ease and at some point maybe at his thirtieth push up he looked up at me and gave me one very sad smile. A smile that easily meant, this isn't your fault Ella, but I still couldn't hold back the guilt that consumed me.

I fidget with the scarf on my neck because now I'm worrying about my bruise. The scarf perfectly covers it but I can't but fear the fact that since it's windy outside my scarf might move and my bruise may show. I am filled with worry and as my mind comes up with every reason to cry right now, on these very bleachers Sam shows up beside me.

'Hey El.' He grins at me. He's sweaty and breathless and visibly worn out but he still smiles. I return a smile back to him, but if he knows me as well as he claims he does, he would know it wasn't a genuine smile.

'You look like you woke up on the wrong side of bed today.' Sam jokes, I try and laugh with him but I know it doesn't come out sounding convincing at all.

This wasn't the time for him to be making jokes and for once I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of lying to his face. 'Are you okay?' He asks, and my usual answer would be yes, I'm fine. But not today.

'No. I'm not okay Sam.' I spit frustratedly, and for once in my life I tell Sam how I really feel, I don't smile I don't giggle after those words escape me. I just look at him, really look at him, and force him to face the truth.

'Why? What's wrong? Are you and Noelle in a fight or something?' He asks because its all he knows about me. It hits me in that moment that all Sam knows about me is that I'm Ella Myers, that we share a best friend named Noelle and that my mom died when I was thirteen and that's why I'm so sad all the time.

Nothing more. Nothing less.

Yeah he's a decent friend, and he's there for me at school and we hang out every once in a while and he'll beat up any guy that talks shit about me or treats me horribly.

But Sam doesn't really know the real me. He only knows what I show him.

'No. It's not like that. It's.. family stuff. But it's being dealt with, you don't have to worry.' I try to act cool about it and he seems convinced, the way he always is.

Sam nods and doesn't say anything more. He doesn't look at me with concern the way Timothée does, he doesn't press me for the truth or make sure I'm alright. Instead he just stays silent and eventually Coach Blue calls out his name and he's jogging back to his teammates.

I look down at my cast and let out a sigh. Sometimes I just wish things weren't so complicated.

***