Falling ♡ Timothée Chalamet

27 - truth

WARNING: this chapter may be triggering for some people. It discusses self harm so please be careful before reading.

'Your scholarship interview is in a month from now.' Mrs. Wilson, my sweet but stern guidance counselor tells me this as we sit in her brightly colored office one morning. 'I expect you to be prepared by then. No more skipping classes alright?' She says strictly, and she raises her eyebrow at me reluctantly but when she sees the seriousness in my expression she smiles.

'I wish you all the best Ella.' And with that she shows me out of her office and tells me to get back to class. I know the smart thing to do right now would be to take her advice, and find my way back to my conversational French class. But I head towards the girls bathroom instead, not wanting to do the smart thing.

As always, the bathroom crowded with girls who sit at the edge of the sinks and laugh and gossip to pass boring class time. Usually I would ignore them and walk into a stall and sit all by myself, but today my eye catches Halie Miller.

She's back in school after disappearing for a month. She is washing her hands peacefully, and she seems awfully quiet as her two chatterbox best friends dive into pointless conversation. I want to head for an empty bathroom stall, shut the door on myself and cry silently because of all the fear that overtakes me now.

But instead I find myself walking towards Halie. 'Where the hell have you been?' Is the first thing I say. I don't sound rude, but I don't sound nice either. My tone is in between the two, and Halie looks up at me in utter confusion and annoyance as well.

'Excuse me?' She says and the familiar obnoxiousness in her tone somehow brings me comfort. I haven't seen her in a while, and I had gotten so used to having her around to piss me off and push my buttons. Her leaving for so long felt wrong for some reason. When she left something felt off at school, and soccer practice wasn't as action filled and interesting.

I clear my throat and lift my chin up like I always do when I'm around Halie. She makes me want to be strong, to be brave. If she sees even the slightest bit of weakness in me I have failed her. 'You heard me. I said where have you been? You and Sam both just disappeared and people have been worried-'

'Where I went and what I did doesn't concern you alright? And if I can stick to minding my own business than I think you should too.' She doesn't say anything after that, she simply sends me a glare before she pushes past me to walk out of the door.

For a moment I could have sworn I saw a tear glaze her eye, but then I remind myself that Halie Miller is too strong to be sad and vulnerable in front of me so I quickly head for an empty stall and sit on the toilet seat.

I don't cry. It seems like I might have let out all of my tears over the course of a few days. I just simply stare at the scribbles on the bathroom stall and make sure I take deep breaths.

The whole scholarship thing is meant to be exciting, nerve wracking but also so exciting that I should be celebrating. But I'm not celebrating, and I haven't told my brother about it, or Timmy about it or Noelle. Nobody knows.

I don't want to tell them. I fear that if I tell them I'll watch them smile and congratulate me but after my interview their smiles will turn into frowns. I know I'll fail them, and I can't bare it.

I have no spirit in me, no more energy either. And if I don't find it in me to be prepared for that interview in a months time I'll have to kiss my NYU scholarship goodbye.

I'm already broken, but losing such a great opportunity like this one might be the end of me.

My breathing hasn't steadied yet, it's still ragged and incredibly uneven. This makes me feel the urge to pinch my skin again, because a part of me knows it will help.