Falling ♡ Timothée Chalamet

32 - why

Soccer practice was lonely without him.

This whole week I expected him to show up to school, to look at me with those big green eyes and make me die inside for being so cruel to him the other night.

But to my dismay he chose not to show up at all. He chose to spare me the pain of seeing him. And I'm grateful for that. I don't know what I would have done if I saw him. Would I have turned the other way? Would I have apologized to him?

I can never know. Not until I see him again.

He calls me a few times a day, leaves me voice mails. But a phone is easy to ignore. I know if I hear his voice I'll give in. I know if I pick up I won't find it in me to hang up.

Three school days pass by, and they feel more like three years without his smile there to guide me. Without his laughter and his gentle kisses I feel empty inside.

Missing him like this reminded me why I broke up with him in the first place. It's because if he left me on a whim, and went all the way to California, I would have been way too broken.

I would have done more than self harmed.

But it's fine. I'm managing.

Aaron makes life bearable for me. At least when he's around he does. Usually he's occupied with work but when he's at home he doesn't waste a second stepping into my room and keeping me company.

It felt like old times and I'm happy we're closer again.

As for Noelle and Sam, they are like two very different people. I used to hide huge and dark secrets from them, conceal my real feelings, pretend nothing out of the ordinary was occurring in my day to day life.

They used to believe me. I was that convincing.

But now nothing I do goes unnoticed by them. They keep up with my therapy sessions. Make sure I'm not self harming again. Ask me if I'm okay. And even on days when I'm not particularly honest with them, they can read my expressions and decipher my thoughts.

I like it better this way. Because at least I feel seen, cared about.. even loved. I used to feel invisible around Noelle and Sam but now I know that if I go missing for more than an hour they'll be the first ones to look for me.

This makes a warm feeling flare up inside of my chest.

It's the fourth day without him, and immediately as I'm heading to Mr. Whitman's first period physics class I spot his brown curls at the back. They are way too wild to go unnoticed. His eyes are tired and he looks pale and unwell.

A desk beside him is left empty, and it's the desk I'd usually sit in. The one I always take. But today, as he looks up at me from his notebook and his sorry eyes lock with mine I can't do it.

I just can't. I'm a coward, I know it. And before Halie Miller can walk to the desk in the second row, right next to the window I beat her to it. And I take a seat.

She gaps at me. 'Excuse you?' She says, and I'm in no mood for her attitude right now so I run my fingers through my hair frustratedly and groan.

'Halie, please let me have the desk I'm begging you.' I look up at her, my eyes pleading with her not to start a scene.

She's about to clap back at me but then she takes a quick glance at the back and spots Timmy there, with an empty desk beside him. My empty desk.

She smirks back at me. 'Oh.. I see. There's trouble in paradise. You're having issues with lover boy aren't you?' I'm not about to deny her, or make up some dumb excuse.