Why Me? (TodoBaku)

Chapter Thirty-Three

Katsuki's POV:

We start school tomorrow and I've been okay. I went to a therapy session once yesterday and it turns out the sessions will be every Monday. Shoto and I are going out this weekend to make up for the fact that we couldn't go out on Christmas. I've also stayed at Mr. Aizawa's since I got out of the hospital and I can tell that it really meant a lot to him. He was so happy when I told him and Mic that I was going with them instead of the dorms.

I felt like it would be okay if I went with them. They're great people. They officially adopted Shinso this past weekend which means he can finally stay with them instead of his other foster home. They still need to process my adoption papers, so if anything, it'll be official before this month ends.

The therapist had me there for like 3 hours. At first, she did an introduction and then she got into the serious stuff. She asked me questions here and there while we played cards and she concluded that I did in fact have anxiety and depression. It hit me when she confirmed it. I didn't think I was that bad. Like yeah I cut myself, but it wasn't a lot. Like maybe I was just overreacting. When I told her that, she just took down some more notes. It really confused me and made me more anxious, just great.

The session took forever to end and then she told me that she'd see me every Monday at 6. Then she told me that next time, she'd figure out if she needed to prescribe me with medication. When she said medication, I freaked out. I didn't need medication, I was fine, I'm normal. I was just exaggerating everything and I definitely did not need medication.

When I walked out to the waiting room, Shoto was waiting for me. My mood was different. I just kept thinking about the therapist thinking that I needed medication. I don't. That's where I am now. In my room at Mr. Aizawa's thinking about needing medication. I don't want medication. I don't need it. I'm okay. When I told Shoto about it, he could tell that I was freaked out about it. He just hugged me and let me ramble about me not needing it. When we pulled away he said, "She doesn't know if you need medication yet. Just don't let it get to you, okay?"

He's so supportive and he always knows what to say. How did I end up being with someone so loving? How was I able to have enough luck to be able to get someone to like me? Just how? It's mind boggling. Sometimes I doubt it, but then that would mean that he's lying. Shoto wouldn't lie, right? No, he wouldn't. He's an amazing person and thinking that he would lie is just crazy. I sigh heavily and bury my head in my pillow.

The doctors said that my scars would be fine, but I have to apply a cream to them. It would be fine if I didn't have to get someone else to help me with my back. I hate for people to see them. They're so ugly and they were made by my rapist. The guy who raped me. The one who took me. Who made my life worse than it already was. I start breathing erratically. I gave myself a panic attack, great. Way to go Katsuki. I quickly get off the bed and start pacing the room. Stop stop stop stop. Just stop thinking like that. Stop thinking about that.

I try taking deep breaths. I lift my hands over my head. The therapist told me to do this if I ever had a panic attack. She also told me to repeat the names of something that I like. For instance, the Marvel Universe. There's Hulk, or Bruce Banner, played my Mark Ruffalo but I like saying 'Shark Buffalo' cause it makes Shoto laugh. Iron Man, or Tony Stark, played by Robert Downey Jr. Thor who is played by Chris Hemsworth. Captain America, or Steve Rogers, who is played by Chris Evans.

I just continue reciting more people in the Marvel movies. I repeat them over and over, but it's not working. I start crying because of how messed up I am. Just calm down. That's all I have to do and I can't. I go lock the door quickly to make sure no one walks in on me freaking out. As soon as I lock it, I go to my bed and grab a pillow. My breathing is so loud and if anyone heard, they'd come busting in and I don't want anyone to see. I sit on the floor and rock back and forth, covering my ears. My knees are up and that's holding the pillow to my face. Everything is so loud. My heartbeat, my breathing, the fan, just everything.