Peter Parker OneShots!

Hey Kiddos!

I will be back February 1!

Please, please, please, please, do not read the next part if you are triggered by Suicidal commentary, I will be explaining my recent long break in the latter. As well as randomly rambling on, so please feel free to skip the latter if you wish.
—

READ AT YOUR OWN CAUTION PLEASE.

—
So, I promise I will return. It has been many months of therapy, tears, friends, hugs, and lots of talking...but I'm on meds, and I- I think I'm doing better? I'm really not sure anymore, and I'm not feeling good, it's been so long since I've wrote, I don't think I've had a proper way to express myself other than drawing, and I'm not much good at that so it hasn't been easy. I've been trying to find ways to come back, but...I had to leave because I knew things were getting bad again. I have a fucked up sleep schedule, fuck it's one in the morning currently, this is due to a little phobia called Somniphobia (Som-nee-phobia) otherwise known as the fear of sleep. It's a rational fear connected to my PTSD. But I knew things were getting bad because I started sleeping normally, and this should be a big hooray moment, and for my parents it was, but it got to the point where I would sleep 7 hours at night, then try and sleep through the whole school day...I slept a full day, and spent the whole weekend in my bed. Normally, before sleep, I get paranoid. Worse than normal paranoia. I'm talking little kid who thinks the monster under their bed is real. I've been getting into psychology lately trying to figure myself out. And I just can't seem to find reasons to be here. So I started actually talking to my therapist before I started really sharing, I would get my therapist to do all the talking. I never really like talking about myself, which is funny because I think I'm a problem to and for everyone. It's kinda narcissistic isn't it..? But it's insanity, to think that ones problems, no matter if their connected or not, are caused by you. Gods I just feel like a problem, but then again, most suicidal people are narcissistic, they think they're the problem, so they selfishly kill themselves. But that's not the case is it? They really just want every thing to stop, they want it to stop moving so fast, and stop the world from turning, they just want to disappear. I know that I just want everyone around me to stop hurting. I'm sorry, I ramble when I'm nervous, even over text, it's a bad habit of mine to spiral, and over share. But it's so difficult not to think about it. To think about why I think like this. And for some reason lmao only at one in the morning. But still, I feel most at home lost in the insanity that is night. However beautiful dawn may be, the insanity of deep depression and night are wondrous. I could go on asking questions, or I could explain the processes I'm currently going through in thought :) I'm trying to comprehend why my brain doesn't understand the view of narcissistic personalities as bad. Is it simply because I sympathize with those who cannot differ their own greatness from their ego? No, it's because I do not see them as egotistical, simply only caring for themselves. There is not true balance between Selfish and Selfless. Ayn Rand was right in the thought that Egoism and Altruism are good, and that a stable balance of both is heathy, as you must know to take care of yourself at times. So where do suicidal people sit you ask? They are the balance. For they are seen as narcissistic, yet they are only killing themselves because they believe it will stop their pain, and others. I'm not saying to fix every problem, you must kill yourself. I'm saying you must realize that by killing your self you accomplish nothing. There is no true medium, if you kill yourself, you're still seen as egotistical, because the mundane society whom do not process our insanity, cannot see the altruism that we see. So you accomplish nothing. That is why I am still here? I do not know. For I have lost myself in the words with no true thought. I was simply meaning to address the public, let them know I was having some issues, and tell everyone that I would be back in February, but this happened...So...uh...sorry...

Word Count: 776

-El