Clean // Niall Horan Fan Fiction

Chapter Twenty Seven

Jillian was stuck, in every sense of the word. She was stuck between whether or not she loved Niall- and if she didn't than why the hell did leaving hurt her so bad? She was stuck in her thoughts, and now as she sat on the side of the road with a flat tire she was literally stuck.

She lay her head on the steering wheel letting out a heavy breath. She kept her eyes closed and her arms wrapped around the wheel, it wasn't long before she released a chocked sob and tears fell from her eyes for what seemed to be a newly found cycle for her.

When she finally got herself to stop crying she called her aunt, who then told her uncle to drive to where she was and change the tire. "Do you want to take the other car?" He asked Jillian who shook her head holding her coat tighter to herself.

"No, it's okay I'm just heading to do a few things, I'll be home soon." She replied before her uncle gave her a small nod and headed back to his car. Jillian let out a sigh tilting her head back and stared up at the sky. She listened as her uncle got into his car, slowly driving away leaving her alone once again. The cold air whipped around her as she licked her lips taking a deep breath. Her fingers  ran through her hair as she kicked the tire of her car letting out a groan.  "Oh fuck this.." she muttered stepping into the car and driving off, she needed to clear her head.

**

"Are you sure about this?" The man asks looking down at Jillian who nods quickly. Her hands are folded in her lap as she sits in the tattered leather seat. The man stares at her glossy eyes before bowing his head and preparing the needle.

Jillian took a deep breath closing her eyes. Sure she had a fear of needles, and the only thing she wanted was someone to hold her hand, or possibly talk her out of getting her nose pierced altogether. But the one person she wanted, possibly needed, wasn't there because she had pushed him away. Shaking her head she wiped her eyes and stared at the man giving him a nod. She didn't need Niall, she didn't need anyone.

"Holy.. wow." Jillian whispered staring at the hoop in her nose. With shaky hands she touched the ring in her nose staring at it with wide eyes. Her eyes began to become glossy once again as she thought about the time Niall had asked her about a reckless dream that she had. Though she wouldn't call this completley reckless, it was better than nothing. She thought about Niall's tired smile aimed down at her and his sleep filled promise to take her and actually get it done. Hastily, Jilian licked her lips and stood straight. Her attention turned back to the man standing behind her. "How much do I owe you?" She asked quickly holding her stomach. The room was hot, too hot for her liking, she needed to get out, she needed to get away, from everyone, from everything. It was better like this, it had to be. 

When she got out of the tattoo parlor the moon was sitting high in the sky and the cold air seemed to help her catch her breath. She stood still in the parking lot letting the snow fall around her and the seemingly subzero tempatures chill her to the bone. She wanted to feel the numbness the cold gave her, longing for the weather to numb her completley. She hated this, hated feeling, craving nothing but emptiness. She hadn't eaten all day but yet she couldn't obtain the feeling she was longing for, her thoughts clouded with blue eyes and blonde hair, and the face of a boy with a broken heart as she ran out the door doing everything in order to protect hers. 

**

"Jillian where the hell have you been?" Her aunt said before she even had a chance to walk through the door. 

"I lost track of time, sorry Kelly." Jillian mumbled as she walked through the door with her head down. She felt like she was seventeen all over again, sneaking out and partying, coming home whenever the hell she sobered up just enough to remember she was supposed to be home hours upon hours ago. She shuddered inwardly at the thought, never wanting to relive those times in her life.

"Jillian what the hell is that?" Her aunt almost screamed, "Come here." She said eventhough she stepped towards Jillian herself, scooping her face into her hands and examining her new facial piercing. "What were you thinking?" Kelly mumbled looking at her.

"I guess I wasn't.." Jillian chocked out in a whisper looking up at the ceiling. 

"What's wrong Jill?" Kelly asked but Jillian shook her head wiping her eyes.

"Please, lets not do this right now." Jillian pleaded letting her arms fall limply to her sides. She wanted to tell her, she wanted to spill her heart out to her aunt, cry on her shoulder and figure out what she was supposed to do. But she just couldn't bring herself to do it, she wasn't ready to let down that wall, or at least what was left of it. She hated that Niall was able to tear apart her wall piece by piece, not only pushing himself in but leaving enough room for others to push past the barriers and leave her with all of this.. this feeling, the pain and sadness. And now she was left with the hollow feeling in her chest that seemed to never go away, she hated it, she hated every part of it. But what she hated most was that she was completely in love with Niall Horan, but she was in no way ready to let herself admit it. No matter how much pain this brought her, love was worse, love was toxic, love was the reason people left, and she couldn't bare the thought of being hurt because of love. Not again.