to be so lonely • hs

six

I crossed my arms, leaning into the seat of his car as I thought of the right thing to say. His arm rested against the arm rest, his fingers on the back of his neck, tangling themselves into the ends of his hair.

"Will you be honest?" I asked, watching as he nodded. "Why do you keep showing up?"

His eyes fell from the front window to his steering wheel, as a breath slipped from his lips. His hands folded together in his lap, and his shoulders shrugged.

"I don't know."

I furrowed my eyebrows, waiting for him to look over to me. "You don't know?"

"I didn't know you had a date." He diverted.

"Even if I hadn't, you can't just come over out of the blue. We're broken up, Harry. You've got a girlfriend— one who clearly does not want us around each other."

"Do you think I'm unaware?" He questioned, his voice shifting.

"I don't know what you think— that's what I'm trying to figure out." I was growing frustrated, wondering why he continued avoiding questions.

He ran his fingers through his hair, a deep breath leaving his chest. He looked down and grabbed the cross chain from beneath his shirt, tucking it between his lips with his free hand. I was mesmerized for a moment. How could I hold so much frustration towards him when he looked so beautiful?

"Where does this leave us, Harry?" I spoke, my voice all too tired.

He opened his mouth slightly, dropping the cross from his lips and glancing over at me. "Well, Jamie—"

"No, I don't care to hear about Jamie. Tell me what you want to do." I shook my head. Quite frankly, the last persons opinion I wanted was Jamies. I respected their relationship and knew there were boundaries, but I respected Harry far more and knew he deserved his own voice.

He stared at me with intense concentration as he thought, my eyes wandering to different features on his face to avoid his eyes, landing on his mouth just as he began to speak.

"I can't do what I want without losing her." He answered.

I sighed, disappointed that he didn't see how manipulative her behavior was. Or worse, that he saw it, and chose to look the other way.

"Then it sounds like we can go back to being strangers." I was beyond annoyed, and no longer cared to sit in the car and waste both of our times. If he was going to continue listening to her, then so be it, but I wasn't going to continue getting caught in it.

I reached for the door handle and pulled it just as Harry spoke, "Wait,"

"What?" I asked, vexation clear in my tone.

"I don't want that either."

"I'm not sure what to say, then." I shrugged, sitting back against the chair.

The subtle sound of the heater filled up the silence from Harry and I. With each moment that passed, it became more clear how ridiculous this was.

Asking Harry if I would have a spot in his life after we'd both decided it was best we weren't together. Having the decision purely based off of his current girlfriends controlling guides, and somehow feeling upset by it. Why did I even care to be friends? What did I possibly think it would lead to, knowing just how painful it was before?

"Do you know how hard it was for me to move on from you?" I asked, breaking the few minutes of silence. I looked over at him now, his eyes shifting from my own, to his hands in his lap.