Beaming Love

Emotions

"Mama can I have the Cheetos?" I walk through the isle. Sienna walks behind me, trying to get every single junk food she can

"Honey you already chose the popsicles and we have Doritos at home"

"But pleaseee"

"No that's too much for your little body, go put that down...now" she goes back whispering something to herself before coming back

"I don't like the store with you mama, daddy buys me allllll I want"

"I know he does honey, and that's also why you guys always take such a long time when I ask you to buy me stuff"

"Yesss why are we here anyway, I'm tired mama"

"I know sweetie, mama just needs something" I quickly walk through the isle trying to find tampons. It's the first time I'm having my period since everything happened.

I get in front of the boxes, but I'm unable to pick one...everything rushes back through my mind, the memory of losing this child, doing our best to have a baby and these tampons, a constant reminder that I'm failing, that my body is unable to carry my baby

"Mama we can go?" Sienna pulls on my jeans as I stare at the tampons  "Mama"

I stand there, unable to grab the box, knowing that if I buy these tampons I won't be able to control myself, I won't be able to not break down if front of my daughter, it's too hard "Yeah, let's get out of here"

I pay all the snacks Sienna needs then we head to the car as I'm about to start the car Sherry calls me

"Hey...hi Sherry"

"Hi honey, I was heading to macy's and I was wondering what was Sisi's shoe size"

"Uhm...a yeah...can I send you a text with the information? I'm actually heading—I'm heading home"

"Yeah sure, honey are you okay?"

"Uhm—yeah would you mind bringing me-some tampons? If you could just buy some on your way home and drop them"

"Yess yeah of course...no problem"

When I get home, I let Sienna open the new gifts my father sent her on the living room floor and just lay on the couch facing her

"Mama are you sad?" She climbs on me after playing for a few minutes "I'm okay honey, I'm just a little sad but it's gonna be okay my love alright?"

"Yesss I can do your hair? And your nails and give you kisses? Eskimo kisses?"

"Maybe later alright?" She just nods and goes back to watching tv.

"Sienna?"

"Yes mama"

"You know I love you, right? I love you more than anything"

"I love you more than popsicles" I end up falling asleep only to be woken by Sherry an hour later

"Hey, I brought you the tampons, and some snacks and a bottle of wine. I thought you could need it, you know, just to relax a little...I'll take care of Sisi, I asked Courteney if she would come pick her up, so she's coming soon"

"Thank you so much Sherry, did she make any mess?" I slowly sit on the couch looking for any stains or broken object that Sienna could've reached

"No don't worry she didn't, she stayed next to you watching tv...I think she knows you're not too well, when I came she said, mommy's hurt Nani, I take care of her" I smile, imagining her saying that

"She's in her playroom, go rest I'll wait for Court with her"

"Thank you" I take the box of tampons and get to the bathroom, knowing that I need to use them. But I can't. Whenever I try to hold it, I feel like my heart is gonna be ripped apart....It's too painful

Sherry's POV

After Court is gone with Sienna, I decide to clean her playroom and feed the dogs, knowing Jen is too much of a mess for now, then I get upstairs to check on her.

She's standing in front of her vanity, staring at the box of tampons, shaking

"Jenny..."

"Sherry could you just give me—a minute"

"Yeah of course-"

I sit on the bed, waiting for her. She finally comes out, her face completely blank, no expression.

"Jen what happened? What's going on? I've never seen you like that..."

"I-three months ago...I had a miscarriage..." Her words hit me as I know a little bit too well the feeling. To know that she had to go through something so tough alone, breaks me

"I never—I never took the time to realize what had happened. It all happened so...so fast" her voice cracks, it seems almost too hard for her to even say

"I thought it wasn't anything too important, that it was just a bad period. If I had just paid more attention, if I was more aware of what was happening in my body, I would've never lost my baby....Brad and I never talked about it, I never allowed myself to talk or even think about it. And now we've been trying for weeks but nothing. Buying these tampons now, are a constant reminder that—my body is failing me, that I wasn't able to carry my child and that I'm incapable of giving my husband another baby. I'm failing....I was carrying a child and ....i lost it—Sherry I lost my baby"

Tears are now flowing on her face, she can barely breath and is sobbing. I can feel her pain through every gasp, every breath she takes. The only thing I know I can do right now is hold her in my arms. Hold her and try to soothe her. I have never seen her in so much pain, crying that hard. I know that there are no words I could say that will take her pain away or make her feel better.

"Oh honey I'm so sorry... I'm so deeply sorry...I can only imagine what you must be feeling right now. You should've talked to someone, this is a too great pain for you to keep it to yourself. I know that—nothing I will say will make you feel better, but honey this was not your fault. I know that there's no greater pain than the loss of a child, I had miscarriage before having Alex. It took me so long to process it, to even accept it...but it happens. I had to accept that there's nothing I could have done to stop it. I had to let it go, and months later I had your brother"

"But it's not working, it's not working and I'm scared. I'm so scared to not get pregnant again. What if I can't I won't be able to handle it Sherry"

"Sweetie you will, you will have another baby. Don't let that miscarriage define you. Yes it's hard, and it was your baby...but because you lost it doesn't mean you won't have another one ever again. Give some time to your body, take the time to grief. To accept it, to live again...you've been so different and now I know why. Take some time for yourself, and you'll see. It'll all come back"

"Thank you Sherry"

Brad's POV

I get back home, everything is dark in the house "Jen!" I get upstairs only to see Sherry laying in bed with Jen sleeping on her laps "Hey..." she carefully gets up not to wake her up then follows me downstairs

"Is she okay? What happened?"

"I called her earlier, she needed tampons but then she burst out crying...she told me about the miscarriage. I think she had been holding it for too long"

"Yeah she never really wanted to talk about it...I just thought this was her way to grief"

"No she's in a lot of pain right now. I think she needs you now more than ever, you guys need to talk and it's important that you also tell her how you feel about it, cause I'm sure it was hard for you too"

"Yeah...I just wish she didn't put that much pressure on her...and at the same time I know how much she wants a baby, and I do too. But it's hurting her so much"

"I know sweetie...you guys should take some time together alright?"

"Alright thank you so much Sherry"

"You're welcome, take care. Oh Court has Sienna for the night"

"Alright"

I get back upstairs and lay next to Jen, wrapping my arms around her and kissing her forehead "It's gonna be alright babe, I got you"