Qulsum

Heavy Rain

I looked away from the table ashamed. I felt guilty. I was . I didn't know what to say. How to respond, so I just stayed silent.

"Are these yours?" She asked.

"Do you smoke?" She asked her voice was shaking.

"I'm annoyed that you smoke but I'm just hurt because you hid it from me. Because you didn't trust me enough to just tell me." She said taking a deep breathe in and then out.

"I didn't want to stress you out Qulsum." I finally responded.

"Well hiding it wasn't the solution. You were talking about having kids a few days ago. You want your child to grow up seeing you smoke-"

"I've never smoked a cigarette in front of you Qulsum and I would never do that to my child."

"You cannot take care of a child if you cannot take care of yourself first. You're killing your lungs. Today you're alive tomorrow you'll be in the hospital fighting for your life while I sit there crying because I failed as a wife."

"Oh come on don't say that." I said reaching to take her hand but she pulled away.

"Yaseen you are so selfish. Talking about this with you is pointless. Just answer this question Why did you hide it from me! Why? I don't understand! Just tell me why you couldn't have just told me that you started smoking again." she was obviously frustrated.

"Because Qulsum our past has already been so f*cked up. You've moved past everything you have been so good to me and in my head  I don't deserve you how the f*ck do you think I could tell you to your face that you've done so much for me and here's what the f*ck I have for you. With what face with what courage did you think I could break your heart or make you feel that you weren't doing enough for me by telling you that I smoke!

How could I stand in front of you and punish you for absolutely nothing. I started smoking when you got your coma I was stressed and sick and tired of all the bullshit so my old habit came back and it hasn't left. I've tried quitting but I can't."

"If you cared for me so much then you wouldn't have smoked and even if you did that you could have stopped once the phase was over. But you didn't. Why do people think that words can change everything. Your words mean nothing when your actions go against it all. You cannot break someone's heart with your actions and fix them with words. It doesn't work like that. I moved on from our past because we are married. I will stick by you for as long as I can but I can't do that if I can't trust you or feel that you don't trust me. Here I was thinking for once there's someone who cares for me as much as I care for them. But little did I know I was the only one. I felt like I had you my partner my husband but again like before I'm alone. "

"Qulsum I promise you that you are not alone I am with you but-"

"Yaseen i have never felt that you weren't good enough for me. Never. But maybe today...today I wonder what have i done to deserve someone who couldn't trust me but claimed to love me. Don't tell me you love me anymore. " she said with tears rolling down her cheeks. She began to leave the room.

"Qulsum-"

"Leave me alone!"

I followed behind her until our room but before I could enter she slammed the door.

"Qulsum. You need to understand me." I said tapping on the door.

"I trusted you." She said I could hear her sniffling. Maybe it was for the best she wasn't in front of me. Seeing tears come out of her eyes was probably one of the most painful things I can see.

I looked up and leaned my forehead on the door.

"Open the door Qulsum." I said knocking on it.

"No!"