Zero Two Three One | John Laurens X Reader [Hamilton]

XXXV: Four Minutes Too Late

❝Rage, rage against the dying of the light.❞
—Dylan Thomas

This bedroom isn't ours, but Alexander has to be here. And I feel like I need to as well.

The doctor says he won't last another day. When I hear how faint his heart is, how slow and shallow his breathing is, and how lifeless his eyes are, I, for once, believe the doctor.

"Please, Alex. Please don't go."

He laughs faintly, although I don't know how he finds humor in my words. "I wish I had a choice."

"You're too young," I breathe, gasping for air. I'm on my knees at his bedside, tears pooling in my eyes. "You can't go, Alexander. Please don't leave me."

Alexander looks up to the ceiling, clutching my hand so tight it hurts. I see the fear in his eyes, blurred by his own forming tears. He swallows hard and parts his lips.

"I'm scared, (Y/N)."

I'm helpless. I can't do anything to help him. I never could, and now I'm going to lose him.

I draw in a shaky breath, then lose all strength in my muscles. I drop my head onto his abdomen, clutching the covers with my free hand. I begin sobbing hysterically, cursing everything between heaven and hell.

He lets me cry, stroking my hair. Even when he's dying, he's the one trying to comfort me. Here, while Alexander is hanging desperately onto his last threads of life, he wants to bring me peace as though I were the one needing it.

How can I do this to him? If he were to die right now, the last thing he'd know is my sobs. I know he doesn't want that because he cares for me more than he can describe.

I suck up a large breath, then bring my head up, looking into Alexander's violet eyes. He sheds a single tear. There's no hope in those irises.

"I have nothing to live for."

My heart is stuck in my throat, threatening to leave my body. Alexander...

I hate him for saying that. And yet, I know if I were in his place, I would feel the same. But I won't let him feel that way.

I lean closer to him. "Look at me."

His violet eyes drag to meet mine, and for a moment, the corner of his lip tugs upward.

"Find something right now," I order. "Think of something. Think of the future. What is something worth living for?"

He blinks slowly, drawing in a difficult breath. "I don't know."

"Think. Think hard, Alexander."

A heavy silence weighs down on the room, squishing all the air out. It's hard to breathe.

"(Y/N)... make me a promise."

I nod fervently. "Anything, Alexander."

"If I survive this..."

A piercing pain awakens me from my dream.

My eyes snap open and my hand jerks to the stinging pain.

The left side of my neck feels as though it is burning! I rub my neck harshly, hoping I could somehow usher the pain out of me. But it only seems to increase. It's blinding. It's sharp, like the point of a needle is slowly digging itself into my skin, eating its way through my throat and to the other side of my neck. I groan lowly, biting my tongue as an attempt to keep quiet.