Just this once

Chapter Twentynine

Erika's POV

Zeke. He's alive, he's alive. Holy shit he's alive! THAT MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE TRIED TO LEAVE ME!!!!
I quickly walk over to the bed and slam my fist into his chest as everything in me explodes.
"You asshole!!!!" I pound on his chest and tears stream from my eyes.
"You tried to leave me! How could you?!?"

"I know," His eyes are glassed over and it's clear he's in a lot of pain, but he does nothing to stop me from hitting him.

"What the hell is this? You tell me not to cut myself and here you are IN THE FUCKING HOSPITAL because you opened a vein!!!!!!!!! What is WRONG with you?!?" He sits unfazed by my actions, looking blankly at me.
"And what the fuck was with that note? You did not just fucking try and leave me with a note telling me not to cry! Of course I'm going to fucking cry!!!! That was BULLSHIT saying that your time was almost up and that you're okay with it, because I'M NOT! I'm not-" My voice gets louder and louder and my hits get harder and harder when I finally lose it. A shaky fist falls on his chest and I wrap an arm around his neck, shoving my face into his shoulder sobbing.
"I could have lost you." Now he grimaced as he lifted his arm around me and held me as I sniffled into him.

"No, you couldn't lose me even if I died. I'll always be here in your heart."

"I don't want you in my heart, I want you here." He held me back so we were looking straight into each others eyes, seeing nothing but brokenness in each other. He was already broken, but my real pain was yet to come.

"You're the only one." His words saddened me and I refused to believe them, this I know isn't true.

"No, you've got Laura and Lauren, they're your friends too."

"Maybe they do too but that's it. Can you name 5 people who care about me?"
"Laura, Lauren, me, Conner, your Mom and I. I don't know your friends from school since we're in different grades."
He began shaking his head profusely.

"No, no one likes me there. My mom doesn't either, she's embarrassed by me. Conner hates me.." Easily the three came to mind but I now struggled with a fourth and fifth.

"No he doesn't! Look I'll ask him." I held up my phone as I typed the question.

Me:'Do you hate Zeke?'

The response came up and I covered my mouth.

Conner:'Yeah I kind of do, why?'

Oh my fucking god. I look back at Zeke and see his brown-dough eyes staring back sadly at me, he read the text.
I decide to try again.

Me: 'What would you do if Zeke died?' The beep from the incoming message had me warily open the text.

Conner: 'Why? Did something happen him?'

"FUCK!" I shout in frustration and chuck my phone as hard as I can across the room and yank on my hair.
"He doesn't mean it Zeke, I know he doesn't. He's not thinking." Then I turn to see my poor baby's face fall further.

"No, he meant it, and he's right to it. I'm bad Erika, you're going to get hurt with me." No

"No, Zeke you are NOT bad like you think you are! You're told it over and over again and you begin to believe it but that's WRONG! You're awesome Zeke and you will never be able to convince me otherwise!" His face turned stony and ashen gray.

"I AM that bad, do you not see where we are? You're here in the hospital visiting me because I tried to kill myself. I'm not getting better Erika,"