Chamber by Chamber // Snowbaz

If I Had $1,000,000

OTP Prompt #28: Penny spells the boys to sing what they really mean. 

~ So this takes place during eighth year Carry On, but for some reason Shepherd is there because why not. This is based on the song If I Had $1,000,000 by the Barenaked Ladies, and while listening to it as you read isn't required, it might help. This is a total crack fic, and it was absolutely self-indulgent, but I had soooo much fun writing it. Enjoy! ~

*Penny's POV*

Simon and Baz are bloody bickering again. Lately, it hasn't been anything too hostile, just a few small arguments here and there while we've been figuring out how to kill the Humdrum. But if I didn't know that they 'hated' each other, I'd call it a bit of a domestic. Simon has come to breakfast every day this week complaining about Basil and how posh and perfect he is. I swear, sometimes he can be the daftest person I know. All I know at this point is that I= need to knock some sense into the both of them before I  fall in love with Baz. And at the rate Simon complains about how perfect he is, it might be bloody soon.

As Simon, Shep and I are walking to the abandoned theatre off campus, he's (once again) 'complaining' about Baz. "His hair was clogging the drain again, Penny!" (See? Domestic.) "And the prat had the audacity to just smirk about it! Can you believe that?"

"Well, I-" He tugs at his messy curls as he interrupts me.

"It's like, we bloody get it, you have great long hair and you always shower with your posh cedar and bergamot soap!" I just sigh and try tuning him out as we make our way across the pitch. Seriously, how does Simon manage to complain about Baz's beautiful hair and great smell and still think they're just enemies? Shep and I give each other a look and roll our eyes- their feelings for each other are really only not obvious to the two of them.

"Remind me again why I agreed to this truce, Pen?" Because you love him, dolt.

"Because we need each other's help, Si." And then he's off again jabbering, even as we enter the theatre and see Baz sitting on the stage. Simon only shuts up when we get close to him.

"Bunce. Snow," Baz starts, eyes lingering on Simon. (The pair of them, I swear.) "Where do we begin today?" His eyebrow is arched in the way that riles Simon up (and not in the way he thinks), and he moves his gaze to me. He looks tired- I don't think he's getting much sleep.

"Well I was actually thinking we'd start with a sort of bonding exercise..." They both roll their eyes but go to stand on stage next to each other while Shep and I stand off in the wings.

"What are you going to make them do?" He asks, elbowing me with a smile.

"You'll see," I wink.

"Well, Pen? What is it?" Simon asks me, determined to stay at least four feet away from Baz.

"I've decided I'm done with your relationship drama." Simon blushes and starts stuttering, trying to deny it.

"Wh- Pen, no. I mean... Baz and I- we're enemies!" Baz stays silent, skin flushing slightly as he sets his jaw and looks the other way. I roll my eyes for what feels like the hundredth time today.

I huff, "This is what I'm bloody talking about!"

Before he can protest further, I lift up my ring and cast Music is What Feelings Sound Like. The magic takes hold almost immediately, darkening the lights in the room and stiffening the boys to stand straight. A spotlight moves to Baz, and music starts playing in the background. This song?! I have to stifle a laugh as I watch my spell play out perfectly.