A New Beginning

anxiety and dinner

"Hello?" 

"Hey Arin miss me?" The voice on the other line said. It was an all too familiar voice. "How did you get my number?" I said back in a very cold harsh tone. "Babe, don't be so harsh. I just called to say I miss you baby girl." she said over the phone. Her words made me more pissed. "I am not your babe or babygirl. Leave me alone and don't call me again Julia." I said to my ex girlfriend and hung up and blocked her number. I started to breath heavily, another panic attack. I got my phone and called Linds. The phone rung and she eventually picked up "Hey Arin!" she said in her normal chirpy voice. "Li-Linds I- I need you t-to he-help c-calm me-e down." I said stuttering. "Whoa Arin. Listen to my words and repeat after me. Butterfly." "Butterfly." "Water." "Water." Slowly my breathing slowed down. "Sun." "Sun." I was feeling more and more calm with every word. "Lights." "Lights." "Sand." "Sand." I said the last word and felt better. "Are you good now Arin?" Linds asked through the phone. "Yeah, I am now thank you so much." I said "No Problem. If you ever need to talk I am just one phone call away." she said and I thanked her and hung up. Repeating words that are soothing to me was always a way I coped with my anxiety. I've done it since I was 14. Those words describe where I feel most at calm. On the beach, in the water, with the sun shining or setting. The butterfly is about an imaginary friend I had as a kid, my only friend really. She was my safe space, and still is sometimes. She is a blue butterfly, i've always been told I was like a butterfly when I was younger. A shy quiet girl who found a passion and came out of her shell. I looked in the mirror of my car and saw my tear stained face. I quickly wiped the water works from my face and drove to the cafe where I was supposed to meet Alexia and some of the other girls. 

I arrived a little bit late to the cafe, and saw Alexia sitting with a few of our teammates . "Hey Alexia!" I said as I sat down next to her. "I thought you weren't going to show up!" she said with a slight chuckle. "Oh, no I got lost on my way here." I said with a smile. She nodded her head and continued her conversation with Lieke. I got up to order a coffee. While I was waiting in line I checked my phone and Instagram. "So how are you liking Barcelona so far?" I heard someone ask me and I looked up to see Mapi standing next to me. "It has been nice, haven't been able to go out and explore yet. But from what I've seen it is really nice." I said with a smile. "Well maybe I will have to show you Barcelona one day." she said with a cheeky smile. "yeah, maybe." I replied and walked to the counter to order my coffee. I ordered a regular black coffee and Mapi ordered the same. I was about to pay when Mapi kind of pushed me away and paid of me. "I owe you one." I say and Mapi just smirked. "yeah, you do. Maybe dinner tonight?" "Maybe." I said and walked away. I went to go sit next to Alexia and we talked. After about an hour of being there everyone decided it was time to leave. I said bye to the girls and drove to my apartment.

When I closed the door I let out a sob, one that I had been holding in since before getting coffee. When Julie called me, I got so scared, nervous, anxious, you name it I probably felt it. I was shaking holding my knees, crying. Images of her hitting me, the bruises on my body, it all came rushing back. I started to repeat the calming words to myself, eventually my breathing slowed down and I was able to calm myself. I got up from where I was sitting and walked over to my kitchen getting something to eat. I made myself some avocado toast and went to go sit on my couch and watch Netflix. I was watching 'Ozark' when my phone started ringing. I picked it up and saw Mapi wanted to FaceTime. I answered it and her goofy face was on the screen. "Hello Mapi." I said with a smile on my face. "Hey! Um so I know I asked you earlier if you wanted to get dinner later and you said maybe, and I was wondering if you had an answer." she said nervously. I thought about it for a little bit. I do need to get out, and she did offer to take me. "Yes Mapi, I will go with you. Only if you promise we can get dessert after our meal." "Okay deal. I will pick you up at 7!" she said and hung up and laughed at her goofy antics. I checked my phone and saw it was 3:45 so I decided to hop in the shower. 

I took a warm shower and did some skin care. I blow dried my hair and straightened it. I looked at the time and saw it was 5:30. I hoped Chloe was awake when I called her being it was 1:30 in the morning in Sydney. The phone rang and she eventually picked up, and the girl was wide awake. We talked for a little bit about her flight back home, and she told me a man puked next to her, which I found funny yet disgusting.  "Okay so do you think you could help me pick an outfit?" I asked Chloe and she gave me the 'where are you going, and why are you asking my help for an outfit ' look. "Mapi and I are going for dinner and she is taking me sight seeing." I said and Chloe instantly shot up. "YOU ARE GOING ON A DATE WITH THE HOT SPANISH GODDESS!!" she practically yelled and I said "yes" while laughing at my best friend. "Okay lets go to your closet." I walked over to my closet and Chloe helped pick an outfit. I put on the black shirt Chloe picked out and the Light Jeans with my white Nike air Max's. I touched up my hair and looked at my phone and it was 6:50. I told Chloe goodnight and hung up the phone. I looked at myself in the mirror one last time, when I herd a knock at my door.