When Love Grows (COMPLETED)

Chapter 40

When Love Grows (40)

I was humming what Lola hummed to me when I cried. Pero hindi parin tumitigil 'yung pagtulo ng luha ko. Hindi parin ma-relieve 'yung sakit na nararamdaman ko. I was lying on my bed while looking at the unfinished cross stitch she was holding when I found her lifeless.

I know it was my name. I know it was my name...even if the letters weren't complete.

Prec

I was touching the texture. She made it for me. The little flowers stitched on it was too beautiful. It's not yet finish and yet it was so beautiful. Sobrang daya...how could she leave me alone? Paano na ako. What is going to happen to me tomorrow, the next day and what about the next week? I feel like...I was a living dead in this home.

My tears had soaked my pillow. I can't sit and sleep without crying...without accepting that she wasn't here...she's permanently gone. She can't cook for me anymore, can't see her while I'm busy in my room. Can't watch her while she's making breakfast. I didn't have someone whom I'd always remind to take her meds. What will gonna happen if I'm too tired...too tired to give...too tired that I needed her arms to embrace me. Her hum that lulls me. In a snap...it was all gone.

I didn't know that she was stitching my name. Until her last breath she thought of me. Mas lalo akong naiiyak at nasasaktan kapag naalala ko na ako parin hanggang sa huli niya. She was holding my name...that's how her love can be. Bakit hindi ko siya naabutan...bakit biglaan.

If she would only knew that I was crying because of her...she would probably knock on my door and sat on my bed habang umiiyak ako. Magsusumbong talaga ako sa kanya na siya ang nagpaiyak sa akin. Sa tuwing gumigising ako luha na agad ang sumasalubong hinihila ako pabalik sa kama, I felt drained. I felt so heavy and I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't tell anyone about it...I lost someone who only cared for me. Naging ganyan na ang pananaw at pakiramdam ko.

"Belinda naihanda mo na ba?"

"Madam sarado pa ang kwarto."

"Mamaya na ang alis natin. Dapat kanina ka pa nag iimpake."

"Madam, tulog pa yata, e."

And here is Mama. I couldn't feel her presence. I couldn't feel their mourn for Lola. Naiisip ko na sana hindi nalang sila pumunta ni Papa dito. They only went here now that she is gone. Nilamayan si Lola ng apat na araw lang. Tapos mamaya itatapon na naman nila ako sa Manila.

My door opened. "Bumangon ka na diyan."

"I'll stay here...hindi ako sasama sa inyo." I leaned on the headboard.

"You need to do a lot of explanation. Babalik na tayo kaya maligo ka na. Ayusin mo iyang sarili mo."

"I have my life here. Wala akong dapat balikan sa Manila. Nag-aaral ako dito. After this break second semestral ng klase-"

"You'll study in Manila. Your life here ends today. There's no point in making you stay here. Tapos ka na dito kaya aalis na tayo. You're filed to transfer. Nakapag-usap na kami ng director ng school at dean ng department mo. Hindi ka na nila estudyante."

I can't face them and talk to them without my tears falling. And I hate it! I hate how they could clearly see how much of pain they could do to me! Halos wala na akong maramdaman na makita ang mukha nila ni Papa nung dumating sila dito nung nakaraan. Nilamayan si Lola ng ganun lang...para lang ako bagay na itatapon nila tapos ibabalik nila ulit kung saan nila gusto. Can't they let me live here? Iwanan nalang sana nila ako.

"You can't do that. Kayo lang ang aalis. Kayo lang walang buhay dito. I live here. I feel more living here than in Manila."

We will live here...kami ng magiging baby ko.