the anatomy of love [BxB] COMPLETED

17

Hunter sits far away in Econ class, and this time Jackson finds relief in the distance. There's been too much confrontation lately. He watches Hunter even though every movement makes him feel slightly ashamed and very angry.

Hunter moves in a familiar way, not very athletic, but smooth, like melted gold, walking to the front of the class with an admirable confidence and humor as he drops a packet of papers on the professor's desk.

It's only half way through the class does he realize they had a paper due that day, and he had not written a single word.

Fuck. Me.

☆★☆

Coach drills them hard. Their first game of the season is Saturday, and Coach always pushes them to start the season off strong.

Sometimes the pressure can be inspiring. Some days, like today, his coach's shouts remind him more of distant pasts, curling up on the couch and playing video games and pretending not to hear his parents arguing in the kitchen.

Jackson doesn't know why he's reminded of that time in his life, when the very foundation of his world fell apart. But he cannot deny the peculiar thread of shame that he felt during those days echoing inside him when Hunter accuses him, or Caleb huffs in irritation, or Robin pleads with him.

"One more time, boys! Then a water break."

The team runs through the drill one more time. Jackson messes up at the very end, missing the goal by a foot. When everyone runs to their bags for a drink of water, Coach Nels pulls him aside.

"Look, I know you're captain, Jackson, but if you keep losing focus like this in practice, I'll have to assume you won't focus in the game. Pick it up or I'll put Theo in instead. He's working hard consistently and never loses focus." Jackson wants to tell his coach that it was Jackson who whipped Theo into shape, and that if it wasn't for him, he would be the only option. "Well, I hope you don't think I'm trying to threaten you or anything. This is just the reality. I believe in you, Jackson. But you have to believe in yourself, too."

"Thanks Coach." Jackson feels no gratitude, though, as he walks to his water bottle. He watches Theo dribble the ball, and the rest of the team chatting with him amiably. Their eyes meet, and Jackson immediately feels the tension, the war that he started between them. Theo, in his distraction, loses sight of the ball and accidentally sends it flying away. For now, Jackson thinks, he still has the edge over Theo, but that might change if Jackson doesn't step up.

When he looks away from Theo, his eyes fall upon a familiar face watching their interaction. Caleb. When he notices Jackson looking at him, Caleb looks away, stuffing his water bottle back in his bag.

Ever since Jackson told Caleb and Lauren off that night, they both have been giving him a wide berth. Ignoring is not the right word. Because ignoring is childish, impractical. It's pretending he's not there, which, in the end, is just pretending. Instead, they give him the cold shoulder, and it's worse. It's an acknowledgement of Jackson and his mistakes, and even though he acts like it doesn't bother him, it's exhausting.

Some days it feels like the whole world is just waiting for an apology from him. But he's seen firsthand how useless apologies are, and long ago he vowed never to submit himself to such a pathetic state of weakness.

After all, isn't apologizing just saying sorry for who you are?

☆★☆

The light in his room just never feels bright enough unless he's hungover, and Jackson's desperately sober right now. He hunches over his desk, typing utter bullshit into a Word document and hoping it sounds like Econ.