What Deceit Looks Like | ✓

10: cassidy

Jupiter's apartment is different from mine. Her apartment makes it look like she is staying for a while; it reminds me of Maddox's a lot. I guess it's been a while since I've been here. She walks out with a new glass of white wine filled almost to the rim, "Are you sure you don't want a glass?" Jupiter asks pausing before sitting down.

"I don't think I should, I was more than a little drunk last night." I bring my legs up onto the couch to sit criss cross.

Jupiter gives me a look and sits down adjacent from me. "You hardly ever drink enough to get drunk. Do you want to talk about it?"

One of my favorite things about Jupiter is that she knows when to push and when to listen. "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."

She laughs shaking her head, "Well no shit CJ, that much was obvious when you were talking to Noah and you went along with everything he said about conning Maddox."

Ouch, but she's not wrong. "I guess I'm just trying to figure out how I feel and who fits into that best. Noah reminds me of home and all the hard work I've done to be my own person. But he just-I don't know. It's hard thinking about not being with him."

"And how does Maddox fit into the equation?"

I pick the chipping nail polish off one of my fingers, "I'm not ready to lose him. I don't even care about his money and if I'm being honest...I wish he didn't have any. Not just because Noah thinks I'm conning him, I'm just worried that we're too different. Money changes people and I know he's a good person; I just know I'm not." I leave out the part where I brought up Ty to him.

Admitting out loud to Jupiter how I'm feeling about all this is making it seem more real. 

Honestly, it makes me afraid. "I know that it's not fair to Noah for me to have feelings of sorts for Maddox. I just worry that we've become too complacent. It feels like we're stuck in this cycle of disaster and I just keep enabling him."

The look on her face tells me that I've said too much, "Enabling him to do what?"

I look down at my hands, "It's nothing, I've gone on about me too much. Is there anything new going on in your life?"

Jupiter takes a long drink from her wine, "We can talk about me later. Is there something else going on with Noah that I need to know about?"

"I-I think he has a problem. I wanted to stop the cons a few months ago and he wouldn't let me. He just kept insisting that we needed the money and I believed him, but it doesn't add up. The nights he's gone claiming he's at a friend's and then a few days later I'm getting dressed up for another gala to get checks." I zero in on the gold bracelet on my wrist. "I think he's gambling and drinking more than he should."

I'm afraid to meet her eyes because I know I should have told her but I was handling it. And then I went home after leaving Maddox's and found him passed out on the couch with an empty bottle on the floor next to him. When I searched our apartment, I found plenty of half drank bottles throughout it.

"Hun, why did you never tell me? I just thought you liked getting the extra cash and that's why you did it."

"I thought I was handling it," I shrugged not knowing what to say.

She lets out a shaky breath, "CJ, I had no idea and I am so sorry for not noticing sooner."

She wouldn't have known because I never told her. "Am I a terrible person for not knowing if I want to stay with him?"

It's a question I'd only recently begun asking myself when it became apparent to me that Noah was only continuing in our relationship for the money I was providing.