What Deceit Looks Like | ✓

33: cassidy

I took a taxi. I couldn't believe I was going to spend money on this when the walk was only fifteen minutes to my place. I don't have the energy to walk. I made more than enough in tips that one taxi ride wasn't going to kill me or my bank account.

I held close to ninety percent of my tears in during the car ride. But as soon as I stepped into the safety of my place, the tears start freely flowing. I lean back against the door, sliding down until I hit the floor.

The sobs are body shaking and I pull my knees to my chest. I can't breathe. The lights flick on, and Dean stumbles past the kitchen, "Cass? What's wrong?"

No one told him. He's going to be happy. Paige was like a sister to him.

I attempt to take a deep breath, wiping my eyes roughly, "I'm fine. Go back to bed."

He lowers himself next to me, and my tears start falling again. I can't do this. I mean what the fuck is going on?

"You're not fine. What did my brother do?"

I lean into Dean as he wraps an arm around my shoulder. It's not what Maddox did, it's what he didn't do. When I said I was leaving, he said nothing. He just stared at me and the officers. And what is he supposed to do? Comfort his girlfriend who is freaking the fuck out while he tries to cope with his fiancé coming back from the dead?

Yeah, I feel real sorry for me too.

"Cass, I can't help if you don't tell me," He says, stroking my head gently while I sob into my hands. "It can't be that bad, whatever it is."

I shake my head because it is that bad. But it's also great. The person the Benson brothers thought they lost is alive. Maddox is going to get the happily ever after that he was always supposed to get.

I cry for what feels like forever. And then I cry some more. Poor Dean's shirt is completely soaked through with snot and tears, but he doesn't complain or try to pull away. He just holds me.

Everything was fine earlier tonight. My biggest problem was dealing with the crowded bar.

"She's alive," I whisper hoarsely. It's terrifying to say out loud. Everything is going to change again and I'd just gotten used to this new normal.

Dean shifts slightly, and I sit up not able to meet his eyes. "Who is?"

"Paige."

Even without looking at him, I know the look on his face. It was the same one I had on my face earlier. I expect him to run to call Maddox to find out where she is, but instead Dean pulls me back in for a hug.

He doesn't say anything, but I don't know if it's because he's afraid of what will happen or because Dean doesn't know what to say? It fully affirms my guess that any relationship I had with Maddox is over.

My headache from earlier tonight is back at full force. This time it's not from the pounding music, but from dehydration. I thought I'd hit the point of pure exhaustion earlier, only it was nothing compared to the way I feel now.

I feel like I got hit by a car, then run over by a semi, before getting stampeded on by a hoard of angry wildebeasts. Maybe when I wake up tomorrow, this will all be one bad dream.

*********

It wasn't a dream. In fact, it was all everyone was talking about. American hero back after missing for nearly four years. I hadn't heard from Maddox, nor did I expect to.

I wanted to stay in my bed, hiding from the world. At this point, it seems to be the only option worth exploring. The more I try to not think about it, the more I do think about it. Dean has left me alone since I went to bed last night, and I've ignored every call from Jupiter to keep the line open for Maddox.

It's sad and pathetic, but it's what I need to convince myself that he's going to call.

I can't stop scrolling through the news outlets. Everything was about them. Editors had even started pulling up old photographs of Paige and Maddox and started comparing Maddox's body language then to his in photos with me. It appears that everyone wants to know the same thing I do: are we going to stay together?

Most definitely not. I'm not going to ask him to pick me over her. I wish I had the strength to call him first. Unfortunately, I know he needs space. If I were in his situation, I'd have no clue on what to do.

I pull the covers over my head because if I'm going to stay in bed all day, then I might as well sleep for most of it. It'd be better than sitting here waiting for him to call.

No more looking on the internet either. That's the last thing I need.

I force my eyes shut, but my mind won't shut off. All of the possibilities of what could occur keep running through my mind.

One sheep. Two sheep. Three sheep. Four sheep. Five sheep.

This is fucking ridiculous; does counting sheep even work for anyone?

My phone starts to ring, signaling a call and I throw the blankets off of my head to grab for it, but my heart sinks when I see it's another call from Jupiter. I let it ring to voicemail, wondering how this could even have happened.

I didn't want to believe the news last night after I woke back up, but Maddox's reaction confirmed it. Then to continue the nightmare, two men in important looking uniforms were knocking on the door. Maddox didn't even look surprised to see them.

I curl back up in the blankets remembering that it was only a few nights ago, Maddox was here with me. I don't know if he'll ever be here again.

Maybe I'm being dramatic, but I also know that nothing will be the same.

I love him, yet I know that some part of him still loves her. There's no way you can love someone that deeply that you'd propose to them, and one day just stop loving them. I've seen the way Maddox gets when Paige is brought up. Part of him is still broken, and it's a part of him that I'll never be able to fix.

This wouldn't hurt so much if I hadn't let him get close to me. I should have kept him at arms length, but I trusted-trust him. I love him, and I don't want what we have to be over.

I just might not have a choice.

I stare at the ceiling, trying to figure out what the best thing to do is. I could get out of bed and pick up an extra shift at the bar. I could go to the bar and get drunk. I could pretend that Paige hasn't come back. I could call Maddox. I could order food. I could call Jupiter, or Sephine. I could go to the kitchen and get drunk in bed. The only problem, is that I don't feel like leaving the safety of my bed.

My blankets have never hurt me, nor will they ever have the chance to. My pillow has never judged me for any of the pathetic things I've done.

So therefor, I think the only possible thing to do is to stay in bed.

If only I had watched where I was going the night I met him. Then Maddox would never have spilled my stupid wine on me. He never would have been able to give me the check that started this entire fucking mess.

Except, I gained a lot out of this mess. I've met some really great people that I never would have met otherwise, including Dean who is one of my best friends. I don't think I ever would have been able to leave Noah, so I would have remained in an unhealthy relationship.

My heart hurts, regardless of any of the good things that have come from meeting Maddox. Still, I don't think I'd trade any of this pain for my life to have remained the same as before.

I'm not getting out of this bed.